Keli tells us about her struggles with impoverished addict parents and siblings. “Everybody’s depending on me to save them, but I don’t know how to handle that kind of pressure.” Daniel speaks about what it’s like to be so alienated from the Black community at Dartmouth, even though he comes from an all-Black neighborhood in Detroit. “It feels like I can’t be both conservative and Black,” he says. “So I choose conservative.” Elizabeth talks about her bulimia and body dysmorphia. “No matter what I do,” she says, “I hate the way my body feels.” Jia shares about the pressure her Chinese immigrant parents put on her. “I can just never please them. So fuck it. I’ma do me.”

Jia finishes and then everyone looks at me. I shrink, melting under the attentive gazes of supportive friends. I want to keep the mask on. I open my mouth, but the words stop in my stomach cavity this time, refusing the long walk toward freedom. My mind feels like an abandoned warehouse full of dark and mysterious things. There is so much I want to forget.

“This is really hard for me,” I say finally after several minutes of silence. “I never really had any friends growing up, so I don’t know how to share things with other people. I guess I’ll just come right out and say it. The other day, at the cliff, I was thinking about everything I’ve been through and I decided it’s not worth it. That it won’t matter much if I’m not here. I don’t think anyone besides my mother would really miss me.”

I don’t look at anyone’s face. I look down as tears start to drip on my twiddling thumbs. “When I came to Dartmouth, I hoped it meant I mattered somehow. That I was finally worth something. But being here, around all these people that have so much more than me, I see now how much I don’t matter. Like at all in this world.”

Cornrowed Connor grows enraged and slams his palms down on the table, lurching himself out of his seat.

“Goddamnit, Echo! I can’t believe this is the world we live in. How can someone so amazing feel like this? Everything’s so fucked up.”

Connor walks across the room and grabs a small piece of paper. He returns to the table and starts writing. “Look,” he says, “I haven’t known you long, but you matter. It matters that you are here. You’re so funny and cute and quirky and smart. You have such a deep and complex understanding of life. I don’t know what you’ll end up doing in this world, but I know it’s going to be big and I know it’s going to help a lot of people. You have greatness in your spirit. I see it.”

Gabby snaps in agreement. “Ashay, brother.”