“This is my number,” Connor says, handing me the piece of paper. “You call me anytime of the day or night when you fall into the dark place. Do you understand? You call me anytime.”

Cornrowed Connor is too nerdy to be Prince Charming, but I start to wonder if maybe I shouldn’t be looking for a perfect, idealized white boy at all. Maybe a thoughtful, compassionate, dorky nature boy who wears Dockers sweatshirts is enough? In fact, this trip has also made me reconsider Earnell. He is not the Black phoenix I imagined, but beneath his ridiculous antics is a plush heart, full of love and deep concern. Isn’t that what I’m looking for?

I wipe the tears from my eyes with my sleeves and reach over and squeeze Earnell’s hand, which lights him up. He was already burning for me, I knew that all along, but now, he sees a glimmer of hope where there was once a closed door. No more doors, I think to myself.

“We should get some sleep,” Connor says, finally ending the sacredness of the night. We stand. We clean the cabin. We pack. Then we hug each other like a loving family before disappearing into the darkness of our rooms.

CHAPTER EIGHT

I return to campus invigorated. One week until midterms and I feel like I can take on the world. For the first time in my life, I feel seen and appreciated just for being me. I smile at random strangers walking across the Green. I speak blessings over their lives and hope all their dreams come true. I reunite with Matthew McConaughey, telling him about the experience. He rings bells at the top of every hour to celebrate. Fall leaves ablaze with color rain down like confetti anointing the path forward. Even the autumn sun, gracious and majestic, decides to stay a little longer each day.

I didn’t know it was possible to feel this alive. Nothing can stop my happiness. Not my falling grades, not the unexplainable occurrences—the cryptic letters reshuffling and the continued reorientation of objects in the world—and not the hard work I know I will have to do with Jennifer when the time comes. I emailed her asking to move our appointment to Wednesday, not wanting to dampen the good cheer currently swirling around my life.

I’m on my way to the student center now to get a math tutor. I don’t want to flunk out and I hope to keep having amazing experiences like the hiking trip this past weekend. With midterms right around the corner, I know it’s time to throw in my hand and seek help.