Tray Tray, unlike Zach, can see me thanks to her (white savior) volunteer work and that’s how I know she can help me. I don’t feel embarrassed to speak up when I’m confused about something. She has a knack for teaching and frames the lessons in a way I can grasp. I feel like I finally have access to math for the first time. I wonder if this is what Dean Harrison meant about unlocking my mind?

“Think about math like building a house. Once you have the foundation, you can build a really sturdy structure, but if the foundation is screwed, the whole thing is compromised. Most of the people I work with never had a solid foundation in math. So let’s start there. We’ll worry about the more complex problems later. We don’t have much time, but let’s make sure you understand the basics.”

For the next week, my life is only math. A new understanding of the subject takes root in my mind. Hope rises like a balloon escaped too soon, but skepticism drags me back into the trenches of my own insecurity. What if I still fail? This blow, if I don’t succeed, will be more devastating than the first. This time, I tried. I gave it my all and I still failed. Then I’ll know for sure, I am not good enough. I always knew I was worthless. I sink, then a flash of memory. The diamond. The irradiation. And the Defiance, newly released from the dungeon, galloping across the horizon toward me. Their message on fire with determination and possibility: The battle, hah, cannot be lost by those who persevere, hah. Bitch, pick up that pencil and soar! Looks like another TKO for these obstacles. You got this, you feel me. I don’t believe, but I obey.

I speak Dr. King’s words aloud again to myself interspliced with Lil Jon. The Defiance on horses, nearby, watching. Waiting. “I’m not worried about anything. To the window, to the wall. Get low, get low, get low. Mine eyes have seen the glory,” I whistle and recite until courage burns where worthlessness once did.

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

It’s amazing how quickly Prince Charming can lose his throne and fall from grace. How something you believed so strongly can change in your mind in an instant. How could I have been chasing an idealized version of white men? When has a white man ever saved me? I shake my head in disappointment.