I know strawberries and chocolate sauce are Felisha’s go-to when she is feeling overwhelmed, but the whole time I ate them, all I was thinking about was the night that Forrest made the chocolate mousse, and we had a very dirty time of spreading it over our bodies and then licking it back off. If you didn’t know Forrest and just looked at him, you would have no idea who he is behind closed doors. He looks stuffy and straitlaced, but to me he is sweet and caring, while also being dominant and sexy as hell. And no matter how much I tried to ignore it all, he left me swooning in the way he spoke and had me melting every single time.

There is something about the way he only gave the beautiful parts of himself to me. Like he had saved them all these years for just the right time to open his heart. And in a way, he did the same for me. I told him things and let him touch me in a way I hadn’t done before. It was hard at first, but the more I opened up to him, the easier it became, and I started to understand what I had been missing out on in life by hiding behind my fears.

When I went to find my pajamas tonight to crawl into bed, I couldn’t help but smile at the thought of my favorite pair sitting in Forrest’s drawer. Looking back, he knew from the time we left St. Tropez that things had changed, and so by him claiming them it makes more sense now, saying I could only have them back when I slept in his bed.

I have been doing plenty of soul searching today, and as much as I’m scared to close my eyes, my body is overtaking my stubbornness. The last I looked at my phone, it showed two am, and still there is nothing from Forrest. Three times since I got into bed, I have typed out the words “I miss you” and then deleted it because sending that would be the worst thing I could do, for both of us.

The darkness starts to take me, and I plead with whoever is listening that I make it through the night without the nightmares taking me down into that awful place.

Standing at the window, I can see my father as he waves to me, sadness in his eyes, and I start to cry because I know he’s not coming back. I feel like I have been here before and this isn’t a new story to me.