This morning, I gave in and asked Flynn how Forrest was, and all I got was “he’s doing okay,” and then he changed the subject really quickly. That tells me that he is functioning like I am, putting one foot in front of the other, but he’s not off jumping up and down in joy that he got rid of me. I hope after tonight’s session with Cherie, that maybe on the weekend, I can reach out and ask him to meet up with me so we can talk. In a public place because I know if we meet in his apartment, there is no way I won’t end up in his bed again, and that’s not healthy for either of us.

I have demons to bury and healthy patterns to build before I fall into old habits which would just lead to hurt for myself and others around me. And I know I need to talk to Felisha, and my family too, and let them in on how I have been feeling and the pain I have carried for so long. Felisha knows a lot but not everything, but my poor family have no idea.

When I stormed out of Forrest’s apartment, I had no idea how much I would miss him. But looking back, it was probably the best thing for both of us because it forced me to face my feelings and really sit with them. I knew I was falling in love with Forrest, but walking away made me understand that there was no falling anymore. I’m in love with him, and it’s not the awful thing I have always thought it would be. And by feeling a different kind of hurt from love, I’m sure it will make me a better person. One who will deal with things I had locked up for life, which was a mistake, because although I wasn’t feeling them on a day-to-day basis, I hadn’t dealt with them either.

My office door opens, and Felisha walks in looking focused on whatever is on her phone and talking into her earpiece at the same time which tells me I’m needed, and I can’t sit here and daydream all day. It makes me smile because I have never been someone to sit still, let alone daydream. Life is changing, and I just hope it’s for the better.

FORREST

Looking in the mirror in my hotel room after finishing my shower, I can see all the bruises coming out, and the one on my cheek also has my eye on that side going a little purple. I’m sure it’ll go down really well when they guys see me tonight when I land in London.