After a while, the police officers leave. I’ll probably have to answer more questions and provide more explanations but for now they leave me alone. Josephine offers me some tea and a Xanax but I just accept the tea.

“I am really sorry about all of this,” I tell both of them in the kitchen. The kids are luckily asleep and have slept through all of it.

I am sure that they are tempted to ask me to rehash everything that has happened but luckily, they don’t. I don’t have the energy to go over it one more time.

“I think I better get home. I need some sleep.”

“No, no, no,” Josephine says. “Please, stay in our guest room. It’s all set up already.”

“Only if you want to,” Wallace says, giving me an out.

“Okay, but only if it’s not a big imposition,” I agree.

The room is spacious, about the size of a master bedroom in a normal house. It has its own bathroom and a walk-in closet. Wallace shows me where they keep the towels and Josephine comes in with an armful of sweats.

“I’m sure you want to change your clothes. Let me know if they’re not a good fit and I’ll try to find something else.”

“I’m sure they’re fine,” I assure them and we bid each other goodnight.

I take off the clothes that the police had given me after they photographed me and took mine for evidence. I step directly into the shower and melt onto the floor.

My tears mix with the rushing water, alleviating some of my pain. I feel so alone and there’s only one person who can make it all go away and he’s not here.

My thoughts return to Nicholas.

“Where are you?” I ask. “Why aren’t you here? Why did you listen when I told you to go? Why didn’t you stay and fight?”

In the morning, at first light, I get up and sneak out of their house. I leave them a note thanking them for everything they have done and telling them that I need some time alone. At the end, I promise to stay in touch.

I don’t tell them where I’m going because I don’t know myself.

All I know is that I need some space.

I need to go somewhere to clear my head.

The cops told me to stay close in case they have more questions but I’ll just come back if they do.

I’m not running away, I’m going somewhere to find myself again.

29

Olive

When I try to clear my head…

I drive for a very long time. I don’t know where I’m going and I don’t really want to. When early dawn turns to midday, I turn up the air conditioning and keep driving.