I take pictures of the shore from inside the lake and of myself with the water all of the way up to my shoulders.

Somewhat near the waterfall, there’s a towering boulder about twenty feet tall that’s shaped like an egg.

The valley curves around it, but there’s still space in between the wall and the boulder to get through on the other side.

Suddenly, I regret the fact that I brought my phone.

I wade back to shore, drop it off, and rush back over. The only way to get closer to the waterfall is to swim or to press your back against the boulder and your feet against the granite wall and scoot through the opening.

I figure I’ll try the latter first and then if I fall in, I’ll just swim.

A little bit into the process, I suddenly start to freak out.

There is no one around and I worry about falling in and hitting my head.

I should’ve just started swimming.

Why am I being so stupid?

These thoughts start to crowd out my judgement and a panicky feeling rises through my body.

I take a few deep breaths to calm myself. Then I talk to myself out loud.

“It’s going to be okay, everything is fine. If you want to swim, just swim. Let go of your feet and slowly fall in. You won’t hit your head.”

My body doesn’t comply.

Instead, I continue to move slowly wedged in between two boulders until I climb out on the other side.

I let out a deep sigh of relief.

The waterfall isn’t big and it’s an easy swim under it.

But I just sit on the ledge on the other side of the boulder and look up.

Through the sunshine and against the bright blue sky, the falling water looks like it’s peppered with a thousand different diamonds.

Mesmerized, I wrap my hands around my knees and lose myself in the beauty.

I stay by the waterfall for a long time enjoying the solitude and the silence until a group of loud rowdy fifty year olds show up.

They talk and laugh loudly, breaking my trance.

When I get back to shore, one of the men makes a joke about how he’d go skinny dipping but only if I do.

How dare you pollute this beautiful spot with your unwanted sexual come-ons? I want to ask him, but I don’t say anything.

I ball up my fists instead and wait for the desire to punch him to wear off.

When I get back to my car, I make a decision. I’m going to find my mother.

12

Olive

When I go to find her…

When I put her address into Google Maps on my phone, my hands start to tremble.

I’ve looked it up before, but I’ve never done it with the intention of actually going there.