I hope the talk about offing yourself isn’t serious, man. I know it totally sucks over there, but it’s not forever. Every day you stay alive you’re one day closer to coming back. And careful with the horse, okay? Remember what I said. You don’t want to get to the point where you’re injecting. Promise me you won’t do that. . . .

In the wee sleepless hours, my anxious thoughts once again drift to Robin. Did she really not have time to see me the morning she left for Lake Juliette? Or did she simply not want to? Is it possible that a friend of hers saw me with Tinsley at the Planting Fields and wrote to her about it? Doubtful. The Planting Fields freaks aren’t her friends’ types.

The apprehension of waiting for her letter is unceasingly wearying. Should I call her again tomorrow? No. Acting desperate won’t help at this point. I wish I could sleep. Wish I could do anything but lie here in the dark, thinking.

But when Mary Five-Fingers comes a-calling, it’s Tinsley I fantasize about.

Alone in his room

With music low.

Sneak a toke

Out the window.

Get off, jerk off, stare off,

Wonder what brand of shit

Will hit the fan next.

Friday, August 1

7/26/69

Dear Lucas,

There’s something I haven’t told you, but now I have to. There’s someone else. His name is Samuel and I’ve known him for a long time. He’s from Montreal and used to go to the boys’ camp across the lake. Now he’s a counselor like me. Until this year, it’s always been an innocent summer thing between us. But this summer it’s changed and gotten more serious. I’m not sure why, or what it means for the future. Next month he’s going to the University of British Columbia in Vancouver.

I know you must be angry, but I want you to know that when you and I started going out last fall, I felt like I was going to be with you from then on. Being with Samuel never entered my thoughts. I had so much hope for you and me, that’s all I thought about.

But now I know that I wasn’t seeing things clearly. I didn’t think the drugs and your lack of direction were that important. Like I’ve said before, I thought I could help you with those issues.