But it didn’t work out that way. You didn’t want help. You didn’t want to, or maybe couldn’t, change. In a way, I respect that about you, Lucas. But as you know, even before I left for camp this summer I’d begun to have second thoughts. There are so many things I love about you. You’re kind and funny, serious about your beliefs, and smarter than you give yourself credit for. I think a lot of your issues, including the low self-esteem you sometimes feel, are a result of you blaming yourself for things that have happened in your family that aren’t your fault.

I hope that someday soon you’ll figure things out and give yourself the credit you deserve. I hope you’re doing something about not getting drafted. Seriously, Lucas, don’t put it off. Do something while there’s time.

That’s really all I wanted to say. I know it must come as an awful shock. I’m truly sorry about that, but it’s taken some time for me to get a handle on how I’m feeling. Even now I’m not completely sure. It’s hard to imagine that this thing with Samuel will last when he’ll be so far away next year. I’m trying not to think too much about the future.

And as I said, in many ways I do still love you.

Robin

Mom stands in the doorway of my room, arms crossed, staring at the fist-size dent in the wall with a small hole at its center. She heard the muffled thump and came to investigate. The knuckles of my right hand throb.

Robin’s isn’t the only letter I found on my desk this afternoon. The other was from Rudy, with the information on “the proper way” to cut off a finger. I’m not sure why I read it after reading Robin’s letter. Was I in shock? Denial? Simply unable to immediately digest Robin’s devastating news? (Robin with another guy? Someone she’s known for a long time? Someone she knew she’d be seeing this summer? Was she thinking about him when she said there wouldn’t be time to see me the morning she left for camp?)

Rudy’s letter has come with a smudged and wrinkled piece of mimeographed paper that I assume I’m supposed to pass along to the next desperate draft resister who’s considering self-mutilation.