I blink back the blurriness in my eyes. "I hate it when you say things like that."

"You didn't used to."

"I didn't used to care."

"You care that you're going to lose a friend, and it will hurt. But whether I kill myself or not, you're going to lose me either way. You're going to have to deal with it."

It's true. And I hate it.

Some stupid, baser part of my mind keeps thinking that if I can make Casper happy, if I can be her friend, then she won't die. What a stupid thought. She is unfixable. I close my eyes and try to tell myself it's no failing of mine and no one else would be able to save her either.

Casper takes my silence for only a few seconds more before sighing in exasperation. "God, I'm so sick of this house. Come get me?"

I pull the phone back to glance at the time. "It's almost three in the morning."

"Got anything better to do?"

"Well, no. What about your parents?"

"Sleeping. I can sneak out."

She's going to get me arrested for kidnapping. Great. I'm also not sure if I should be driving while I'm medicated, but I sigh, run a hand over my face, and roll out of bed. "Okay. All right. Let me wake up a bit and I'll be on my way."

#

I park across the street from Casper's house. My eyes burn with the want to sleep. In fact, I'm almost considering laying my head against the steering wheel and dozing off when I see Casper creeping around the side of the house. She spots the van and trots across the road, climbs in beside me, and lets out a heavy puff of air. "See, no problems."

"And where will they think you are when they get up in a few hours?" I ask, cranking up the heat because Casper looks tiny and cold, huddled in the worn seat.

"Just drive." She presses her hands to a vent and closes her eyes. "I deleted my email account."

The van pulls away from the curb, turning around to head back the way I came. A frown creases my brow. "Why would you do that?"

"Seemed like a good idea. Just in case anyone tries to contact me about Suicide Watch. I mean, I want to see Harbinger rot in jail for what he did to Joey, so I've saved everything. But I'm not sure I feel up to dealing with all the drama just yet. Can you imagine how well that would go over with my parents? Them finding out I've been chatting people up on a pro-suicide forum? Maybe it doesn't help much, but I can make a new account."

"Oh." Pause. I wonder if something interrupted Harbinger mid-email to me. Automatic reaction: hit send before someone sees your screen. "Maybe I should do that, too."

"And Adam. We need to let him know."

My frown deepens. Casper notices.