To: NowhereMan <[email protected]>

From: C Harms <[email protected]>

Subject: Stuff

Harbinger is very active in the site. He's been known to go to some members' houses when they're ready to off themselves and record it for them. Sorta like their last message to the world or something. Freaky, huh?

For a second, I wonder if Casper actually is her real name. Probably shouldn't ask. There's a reason people use fake names on the internet, especially through a site like this. We all like our anonyminity. And yet, I sort of forget she'll see my real first name when I write her back. I don't think it bothers me. It's just a name.

To: C Harms <[email protected]>

From: Vincent H. <[email protected]>

Subject: RE: Stuff

Freaky is a word for it. I was thinking illegal. And kind of sad.

She writes back:

To: Vincent H. <[email protected]>

From: C Harms <[email protected]>

Subject: RE: Stuff

Death shouldn't be a sad thing. I mean, it is, it can be. But, like, not always. It's sad when people die unexpectedly and they didn't want to. I think it stops being sad when we're able to take matters into our own hands and control it.

I chew on that for awhile. She's sick, I remember. And maybe she won't survive and maybe that's why she's involved in SW.

Me: Are you really going to kill yourself?

Her: Are you?

Me: I don't know. Some days I think I'm okay. Other days, not so much. I saw a girl jump off a bridge last Christmas. One right by my house. Every time I pass that bridge, I think about jumping.

Her: So why haven't you?

Me: It used to be ‘cause of my foster mom. I thought if I had one person in my life, I shouldn't make them sad by going away.

Her: And she's the one who died, right? So...what are you gonna do now?

Me: That's why I joined SW. Trying to figure that out. You never answered my question. Are you going to do it?

There's a stagnant, fifteen minute pause before she replies:

I'll do it before the cancer does.

July

CHAPTER 6

To: RoxWell <[email protected]>

From: Vincent H. <[email protected]>

Subject: one of those days.

I talked to my foster mom's lawyer again last night. He calls a lot to see how I'm doing. It's weird. You'd think Penny, our neighbor, would check in on me more because she knows me a lot better, but she doesn't.

Maybe she's mad about the funeral. I told her I couldn't say goodbye to Maggie because she's dead. Doesn't that make sense? How do you say goodbye to someone who can't hear you?

I wish someone would have just said, "Hey, sorry, this blows." At least it would have felt sincere. At least I could have agreed with that, rather than saying she's in a better place.

If she's in a better place, why are the rest of us trying so hard to stay where we are?