Greyson: how are you feeling?

Julia: All right. No white walker nipples to report lately, so that’s a plus.

Greyson: The night watch salutes you.

Greyson: doctor’s appt Tuesday after next, right?

Greyson: have it on my schedule 2 PM

Julia: Yes. I’ll send you the address.

Greyson: thanks for letting me tag along

Julia: Thank you for the tree. Very un-dickish of you. Almost sweet. I’m not quite sure what to think of it, to be honest.

Greyson: that makes two of us

Julia: BTW. Your texts are SO unlike you in person. You’re such a perfectionist. So intentional about everything. But you fire off texts without a filter. Or a quick spell check.

Greyson: no time for spell check in texts

Greyson: I just send them as I go. more efficient that way as I get hundreds of them a day on top of calls

Greyson: you’re also kind of different in texts. You fly by the seat of your pants in life. But your texts are v polished

Julia: It’s the lit professor in me. Can’t help it. Proper punctuation is kind of a kink of mine.

Greyson: interesting kink

Julia: Not as interesting as yours.

File this under things no one tells you about being pregnant: it’s hard.

At least that’s been my (admittedly limited) experience so far.

Even though it was a surprise, I’m grateful that I was able to get pregnant. I know not everyone is that lucky. But man, I am not enjoying the experience. At all. In fact, I’d go so far as to say it’s downright awful.

So much more awful than I thought it’d be. I’m only seven-ish weeks in, but I can already tell this motherhood thing is not for the faint of heart.

Physically, I feel…not great, but not super ill, either. It’s like having a perpetual hangover I keep hoping to sleep off but can’t.

The exhaustion is crushingly constant. I am a walking zombie during the day, and can barely make it past 7 or 8 P.M. before falling into bed, too tired to even read. And yet I wake up most nights, usually a little past midnight, and I’m unable to go back to sleep. It’s horrible.

My nausea has gotten much worse. I always feel like I’m on the verge of losing whatever my last meal was all over the floor. Which is totally awesome when you’re in the middle of a lecture in front of thirty five students.

But it’s the mental piece of the puzzle that’s been especially tough. I’ve been walking around in a fog. It’s like some alien life force has invaded my brain, hijacking my moods and my ability to manage them. I’ve never experienced depression before, so I didn’t even recognize the symptoms until I googled them (the internet has simultaneously become my best friend and worst enemy these days): huge spikes in anxiety so severe it borders on paranoia. Insomnia. Relentless feelings of being overwhelmed and helpless.