“Anyway, he tries to tell me to keep it down as I’m practically suffocating from laughter. Then he thinks it’s a good idea to try to knock me around a bit, to shut me up, you know? But I’m actually from Jersey. We didn’t go down easily. Fifteen minutes later his boss comes in, and Brody’s on the floor. I’m underneath him, and he’s gripping my collar for dear life. We’re behind the table of the conference room, for Pete’s sake. Brody gives one glance to his supervisor, must be thinking this is it for him, and does the only logical thing he can come up with—he kisses me.” I pause for dramatic effect. “Right on the lips, too. It wasn’t even a peck you’d give your grandmother. It was a full-blown …advance. Me, being the stupid kid I was, didn’t stop it either. We made out in the conference room of our office. His boss let us off with a warning because she didn’t want a discrimination lawsuit on their hands.”

Most of the crowded event hall thought this was funny, so I kept going. “Which I wouldn’t take it back for the world. This man and I have been through thick and thin. And now, in front of all of your family, I want to say I can’t lie anymore. Brody Golini and I have been secret lovers for the past five years.”

Shouts of outrage and murmurs of confusion flood the airways. Some of Claire’s younger cousins wolf whistle in jest. That’s probably a good sign.

“I refuse to keep our love a secret anymore. What Brody and I have is magical, sacred. The way he sticks his micro-penis into my ass sends me to new heights. His five thousand dollar teeth and remarkable ability to hide his beer gut under Armani suits is breathtaking. In fact, I have proof of our whirlwind love. Cue the lights!” I shout to the other groomsmen, who have a projector and tarp all ready to go on the right side of the stage. A video begins that I’ve been saving for far too long. The scene is of a twenty-four-year-old Brody with a scruffy brown mop of hair leaning against a toilet of our dingy old apartment. I shudder at the thought of its yellow kitten wallpaper. Puke is dribbling from his bottom lip in the shot.

“Hey, Brody,” I hear younger me say from behind my old phone. “What are you gonna do now that you’ve passed the Bar?”

The intoxicated young man smiles dumbly, his eyes half-lidded. “I’m going to Diz…Disney Whirl.”

“Disney World?” I egg him on. “Gee, pal, how are you gonna get there?”

“I’m…” His face scrunches up in contemplation. “I’m gonna ride your ass.”