“You’re going to ride my ass to Disney World? Buddy, I don’t have the gas mileage to get there.”

His face blossoms into a bright pink. I can’t tell if he’s mad or embarrassed or both. “Goddammit, you’re supposed to be my ass-man.”

“Don’t you mean your wing man?”

“Yeah, yeah.” The brunet chuckles. “You give me your wing, so I can fuck you in the ass.”

“What about your girlfriend?” I reprimand him.

“She doesn’t like anal,” he confesses mournfully.

“No, jagweed, don’t you wanna go with your girlfriend to Disney World instead of me?”

“S’course I do…I wanna do ‘erything with her.” The drunken idiot smiles blissfully. “She’s my little chocolate goddess. Hey, Drago, you know what?”

“What?”

“I think ‘m gonna pass the Bar, take Claire to Disney World, and marry ‘er.”

“You already passed the Bar, Brody,” I remind him.

His face lights up brighter than a beacon. He shoots up from the floor in sheer excitement. “Woo! What the fuck are we doing in the bathroom? Let’s get fucked!”

The camera follows Brody as he runs out of the bathroom of our bachelor pad and straight into the front door. The picture abruptly fades to black.

The house lights turn back on, everyone’s eyes turned to me, here in the present. Good thing they didn’t invite any kids to their wedding or I would’ve been forcibly removed by now. Time to seal them in with my charm.

“You might ask; why did I show you this video.” I smirk charmingly “Because the guy who makes a living off of screwing other people has been in love with his wife for years. I’ve seen him flirt and schmooze his way through almost any situation. And whenever Brody looks at Claire, I can tell he is where he’s actually happiest. Ever since they started dating, he has become a better man, responsible, and full of life. As my sappy friends say, Claire completes him. If I ever decide to search for someone, I hope she makes me half as happy as Claire makes Brody. So, if you’ll please all raise your glasses. To Brody and Claire, may your marriage be long and full of the same love present here today. Cheers.”

A resounding round of cheers echo through the room. I’m about to step down when I add, “By the way, my amateur video business is available for birthdays, bar mitzvahs, and wedding weekend hookups. I’m both single and heterosexual. I’ll be at the bar all night, thank you.”