“On National Day one time I am in little place called Grindelwald yes Price like in fucking Harry Potter is real place. And opposite like a hundred meters away is big chalet filled with people from the Swiss postal service. They are nice like what my mother calls Borrow Milk people. So Federal Day round six my place we are drunk and we are bored and we figure to invade Swiss postal service for fun. Is diplomatic mission from before I am in Demons. We go round there, leave ultimatum. We give them until nine then we figure to go over and ravish their gingerbread houses and eat their women. Consensually because we are serious diplomats now. Then we sit on balcony, drink schnapps made from fruit, pee in snow from great height. At eight fifty-nine we are on this balcony still peeing in snow from great height and the Swiss explode the world.”

“They—”

“Here is what these fucking postal clerks have done okay? They have gone down to basement where there is nuclear bunker—”

“There is what?”

“Is Swiss thing. They go to bunker, get alpine camo suits. They sneak up to our house and when they are like five feet away they fire about ten thousand bottle rockets from empty schnapps bottles right at our diplomatic residence. And they are so drunk they completely miss our fucking house and they blow up house next door, which is fucking fortunate because of the peeing in the snow and otherwise I personally would have my dick on fire. When they realize this all these postal workers men and women they are laughing so hard they cannot walk, but also they are very concerned they have maybe exploded neutral third party so they go over there to apologize. Guy comes out and he is local magistrate and so we think: aha now we will get some diplomatic! They explain shit to the magistrate and he looks at us on our balcony and you can see that he totally grasps the situation and he goes inside and he comes out with his own fucking rockets! And now they surround our house with rockets and demand that we surrender our Russian bear asses and let them ravish our gingerbreads all night long.”

“Shiiiit…”

“Yeah Price, nowhere is that how people do. Not Laos not Afghanistan not Mexico. Those places they can do like constant war they can get violent sure but they are not crazy in the Appenzellers. That is unreal. Nowhere in the world is like that except that I know two demographics where that is normal: Switzerland is one.”

“And the other?”

“Is you Price.”

“Me?”

“That whole fucking country is made from you.”

“…”

“…Oh crap, should maybe not have put it that way—”

“…Yeah now we’re definitely going.”

—

We get in the jet and we go.