Evil Hansel did not respond to this question. Instead he tried to twist the knife and Volodya the sniper threw him under a car, and I do mean under because Evil Hansel just hunkered down and the chassis went right above him and he ran away.

I said: “What the fuck is wrong with you man, you couldn’t aim for the fucking wheels?”

Volodya said Evil Hansel was lighter than he thought he would be.

I said I did not care about if Evil Hansel was lighter than Volodya thought he would be because right now I had about a thousand Swiss francs nailed to my leg with an oyster knife.

Like he just realized he’d left the oven on, Volodya said: “Ah shit, Price.”

“What, man?”

“I told you we should not come.”

Then I fell over because that is what happens when you leak a bunch of red stuff out of your body onto foreign currency.

I fucking hate Switzerland.

ONE

DOC WHO IS MY NOT-GIRLFRIEND and a global science felon has a dog. The dog is called Tycho and looking at Tycho you would not think he was named for the guy who lost the middle part of his nose in a duel with swords. Tycho is a saluki and that is a tall skinny expensive dog like if Gaultier styled a greyhound for Miley Cyrus. Looking at Tycho you would assume he was gentle and shy and that is true insofar as it is mostly true and things that are mostly true are not true at all. Tycho is gentle and shy but he is also a dog and he will therefore attempt fornication with anything at all. The animal has no discretion and no sense of boundaries. Beneath the elegant exterior of a dog bred for generations by emirs and sheikhs there lurks the heart of a dissolute sex pest, and despite what is undeniable—that Tycho is a sight hound and can see the hairs on a gnat’s ass at a hundred paces—it is clear that love or at least savage and inappropriate lust is blind. If he thinks an object is even moderately suited to receiving his organ he will absolutely positively fuck it until one or the other of them is incapable. I have seen Tycho initiate coitus with a salt-baked sea bass and that will be in my head forever.

For. Ever.