In the shop floor model the X8 is electrified and the frame features nozzles for aerosolized drug dispersal and six asymmetrically mounted recessed shotguns, but the brochure is keen to emphasize that clients often like to commission their own modular accessories and the Kircheisen company is real happy to accommodate such requests. Bioweapons are of course illegal and so Kircheisen cannot supply such things and advises against them but will on the other hand make deployment modules to your confidential design and leave you to introduce your ammunition so long as you assure the company that you will not equip any for example not that you would of course pathogens.

No no, no no no.

There is a social contract in all bank robberies since Dillinger and it is very simple: the robber is stealing from the insurance company, not the account holders and not the bank. There is therefore a tacit understanding between robber and cashier that while this is not a normal transaction it is also not really that objectionable. So long as everyone is calm and professional, there need be no downside.

The X8 is the face of actuarial disapproval at this cozy little alliance and it bears a message for the would-be thief: if you mess with us, the only question for the police when they arrive will be how to get that thin layer of criminal sludge off their shoes.

Every single one of the rooms in Die Festung is secured with an X8.

Except the last, which is something called an X9 and requires Eiger’s personal presence. If he dies or is compromised, some wearable tech on or possibly in his body will send a signal, the entire mountain will lock down until the designated alternate arrives. No one knows who that is or how they are contacted that is Eiger’s personal secret.

This vault man. This is why we came this vault is PERFECT.

A castle.

On a mountain.

Battleship steel.

Water.

Magnets.

Biological weapons.

And hyperviolent armored robot doors.

That is so entirely my jam.

I want to do things to this vault. Things that it will not like except that it absolutely will. They are what it was made for. They are things that it has always dreamed about and feels guilty about and—

“Price for fuck’s sake—”

“Sorry Doc did I—”

“Yes out loud yes.”

“I want to have sex with this vault is what I’m saying.”

“Yes thank you for making the metaphor quite clear.”

“Wait metaphor?”

And then Volodya—this guy—my business partner, my friend—today of all days—he is just not coming from yes.

Volodya says no.

I say: “Kircheisen!”

Volodya says: “Price we should not go to Switzerland.”

“But why not?”

“Is bad idea.”

“The nature of this badness being unclear is what I’m saying.”

“Were you ever at Swiss party on National Day?”

“I don’t even know what that is man.”

“Is what it sounds like.”

“Okay.”