I glance over at the love of my life. My chest aches with guilt. James wants to marry me, but I don't want to ruin what we have.

I met James because he was searching for something his wife wasn't giving him, and he found it in me.

Would he search for what I’m not willing to give him in someone else?

Sixteen

"Aubrey." Natalie attracts my attention again.

"Yes? Oh, I was just thinking about something I forgot I needed to submit for Retreat by tonight."

I see James frown from the corner of my eye. He knows I don't have to submit anything since he acted as my attorney and reviewed every document.

He knows I'm lying.

Warmth creeps under my cheeks and my skin prickles with anxiousness. My eyes shift between both of them. "I'm gonna go." I hitch a thumb awkwardly over my shoulder. "I'll see you in a few, Nat."

I turn and leave before she can respond, taking two stairs at a time to the first floor. My heart's racing fast, my fingers are tingly from my shot nerves. A million thoughts are running through my head, but the loudest of them is what the fuck am I doing.

The constant look in James's eyes, like I’ve let him down, kills us both.

I grab James's fleece sweater off the back of the couch, then reach for the bottle of Espolòn. On a last thought, I rummage through Nat’s bag and find what I’m looking for. I know she won’t care. Hell, she’ll join me when she’s through with James. I pocket the joint and lighter, then take the stairs to the second floor where our bedroom is located. I pass our room and make my way down the length of the hallway to a door that's bolted shut. Above our room sits a private balcony, and that's where I'm headed.

I unlock the door and climb one last set of stairs to our little tropical patio that overlooks the city. I park my ass on one of the lush lounge chairs and inhale a breath, then exhale. It's one of those nights.

I uncork my clear liquid and take a heavy swig of it. There's a subtle burn and it makes the hair on my arms rise. I haven't had this in so long I forgot what it tastes like. I usually drink James's cognac. I take the burn though for the next hour or so, until Natalie finds me.

"Hello? I'm looking for Miserable Mattie," she says from behind me. She's such a sarcastic ass.

I release a little chuckle up to the cloudless sky. I'm much looser now after working my way through a quarter of the bottle. I smile lazily over at her. She observes me with humor in her eyes and takes the lounge chair next to me.

"Not even a chaser… I'm so proud of you." She palms her hand over her heart in mock pride. "You've come so far."