As our laughter faded, he wrapped his arms around me and hugged me close. We stayed in that embrace for a few moments, and I felt calmer than I had in a long time.

“I missed you,” he said.

“I missed you, too.”

William let go, making his way to the other side of the island as I soaked the pan that contained our burnt meal.

“Sorry about dinner.” I scraped at the black crust with a spatula. “I know you were excited about it.”

“Oh, I don’t care about that.” William shook his head. “I’m just happy to see you.”

Abandoning the pot, I sprayed the counters with disinfectant and wiped everything down. I returned the spices to their designated place on the rack and dramatically dusted myself off.

William was watching me, his head tilted. He licked his lips and I could tell he was trying to find the right words.

“What?” I topped up my glass with whiskey, then moved toward William to top his up too.

His eyes followed the liquid as it poured into his glass. “Are you happy, Gracie?”

“Of course.” I smiled, taking a long sip and shrugging my shoulders. “As happy as someone like us can be.”

Bent over the island, William used the tip of a cut-off straw to snort one of the lines I had divided up. Propping himself up by his elbows, he continued to examine me. “You don’t seem happy.”

“Well, I am,” I assured him. “Are you happy?”

He rubbed his nose with the back of his wrist. “I’m trying to be.”

I twisted my mouth to the side empathetically. He did the same, mirroring me.

“So.” I looked away. “What do you think of Jack?”

“He’s alright.”

I chuckled. “What’s wrong with him?”

“Nothing. He’s fine, really. He’s just not, you know.” He paused, chewing the insides of his cheeks, still clutching the straw tip. “You’re the most special person in the world, Grace. And you deserve to be with someone who can see that. Someone who understands you.”

I swallowed, flicking my eyes away from him. William was so much of what I remembered. He was so much of me. Being there with him, it was easy to feel it all. It hurt me to think of what we’d been through. That I hadn’t protected him better. I stared at his hand, the stub where his pinky used to be, pressed into the countertop.

“All I want is for you to be happy.”

Chapter 34

In the beginning, I loved everything about doing coke. I loved when my dealer showed up. I loved the secrecy of slipping bills into his hand and getting that baggie in return. Something I wanted more than anything. My anxiety would dissipate as soon as I wrapped my fingers around that beautiful little baggie. I would head for the nearest bathroom. I didn’t care about anything else. I loved crushing it up with the back of my credit card. I loved pouring a pile of that shiny white powder onto the toilet tank, and the ritual of cutting up lines, making them perfect. I loved rolling up that bill and devouring the line, snorting it into my nose with one controlled motion. I loved the way it smelled—like gasoline and decaying bugs. I loved the way it dripped down the back of my throat, prompting my tongue to tingle and go numb.