‘You didn’t say the thing!’ Juliette howled as I blitzed right by her. ‘You’ve got to say the thing!’

‘I’m the captain!’ I screeched, slapping the hat on my head as I bolted for sweet freedom. ‘I’m the captain now!’

CHAPTER TEN

Without the magical hidden heating of the lower decks, the observation deck of The Songbird was bitterly, bitterly cold. We were up as high as it was possible to be, hiding on the tiny platform directly above the bridge, and curled up inside the duvet Juliette had dragged out of her cabin.

‘You look good in coconuts,’ Juliette remarked as she handed me the bottle of Dom she had stuffed inside the duvet. ‘You should wear them more often.’

‘And you should grow a moustache,’ I replied, straightening the captain’s hat on my head. ‘That’s what’s been missing from your look, I reckon.’

She laughed and curled up closer. ‘If I didn’t get waxed every week, I’d have one. Maybe I’ll let it grow out, see what the Daily Mail has to say about that.’

Staring out into the endless blanket of black before us, I let out a heavy, happy sigh.

‘What are you thinking about?’ she asked, her voice thick and dreamy.

‘How badly I need a wee,’ I replied truthfully. ‘But I don’t want to break the seal.’

‘These are the moments when I really wish I was a man. Imagine if you could just take a slash over the edge of the boat. You’d feel like a god.’

‘I wouldn’t want to have to deal with the rest of it though,’ I said, sticking out my tongue at the thought. ‘Penises are so unpredictable. One minute you’re standing in the queue at Sainsbury’s, minding your own business, and the next thing you know, you’ve got a boner. They’re so disrespectful.’

‘And ironically, having one generally grants you far more respect than not having one. Maybe I’d get taken seriously if I had a penis.’ She raised her hand and made an L shape with her finger and forefinger. I did the same and pressed my hands against hers. Although I didn’t say so, I was pleased to see my imaginary penis was slightly larger than Juliette’s.

‘You get taken seriously now, don’t you?’ I said. ‘I mean, you are playing the Crystal Ball.’