I watched my boss as she swayed from side to side, her glamorous ballgown accessorized with a pair of neon-pink cowboy boots and a very fetching, twirly moustache I’d drawn on with eyeliner one bottle of champagne earlier.

‘You’ve got to do it,’ she ordered with one last shove towards the door. ‘And don’t forget to say the thing.’

Raising a wobbly arm, she knocked on the door to the bridge for me, before scurrying around the corner, the train of her dress lagging behind, and giggling to herself, entirely audible from her rubbish hiding place.

Captain Mark opened the door, movie star blue eyes widening in surprise.

‘Ms Cooper?’

He seemed somewhat perplexed, which was fair, given that I was wearing nothing but a coconut shell bra and a mermaid tail we’d fashioned out of a pair of curtains.

‘Is everything all right?’

‘Everything is so good,’ I flicked my wrist to make sure he knew I really meant it and almost toppled over. I did not know my own strength. ‘Perfect, actually. Better than perfect. Can things be better than perfect? I don’t know, they’re brilliant though.’

‘That’s an interesting outfit,’ he said, trying very hard to keep his gaze away from my coconuts.

‘Oh yes,’ I replied, prodding the shells I’d superglued onto my second best bra. ‘We were doing a live re-enactment of The Little Mermaid but Chef didn’t have any scallop shells big enough so, you know, coconuts.’

I slapped myself in the tit and winced.

‘Which reminds me, he’s going to want that lobster back.’

Captain Mark’s eyes flitted to the corner where Juliette was doubled over laughing. ‘Is there something I can help you with?’ he asked.

Taking a deep breath in, I felt the boat give under my feet and reached out for the wall to steady myself. Either the boat was moving or my head was spinning, but either way, I needed to get this over with before I threw up.

‘I’m really sorry but I have to do this so maybe you could just go along with it,’ I said, accessorizing my stage whisper with a theatrical wink. ‘It’s a dare, you see, and you know how it is. You have to do a dare when you’re at sea, it’s maritime law.’

‘It absolutely isn’t.’

‘Probably just best to get it done, not to think about it too much,’ I said, more to myself than him. ‘It’s just a dare, isn’t it? No big deal.’

‘Ms Cooper.’ The captain was starting to look nervous. ‘I think I know where this is going and I’d rather you didn’t—’

Rather than let him finish his sentence, I reached out and ripped the hat from his head, turned as quickly as my tail would allow, and ran as fast as my fins could carry me.