Kian put his hand on my shoulder. “You have to,” he said gently.

I sucked in a deep breath and let it out. Then I forced myself to nod.

He squeezed my shoulder. “I’ll be back in a bit,” he said. “I need to go tell Erin.”

Erin. She didn’t know, yet. When we’d called Kian from Berlin, we’d agreed someone should tell her in person, and Kian had been waiting until he knew more.

“I’ll do it,” I said. Kian looked uncertain but I gave him a firm nod. I’d promised JD I’d look after her. It was my job.

It was the middle of the night and bitterly cold. I set off walking, scrunching through the snow, but now I was alone with my thoughts, everything started boiling up inside me and the energy had to escape somehow. I broke into a jog, then a run.

This was my fault. I was meant to have been watching the front. I should have seen the security guard. I could have intercepted him, sweet-talked him, bribed him….I could have knocked him out, if I’d had to. The old guy should be waking up with a bump on his head or a crisp hundred Euro note in his pocket and instead he was lying on a slab. And JD was God-knows where, probably being tortured for information. And Erin….

Erin was about to find out her brother wasn’t coming home. Maybe ever.

I reached JD’s apartment building and stared at the buzzer for his apartment. Ah, Jesus. Every soldier thinks about this moment, someone opening a door to be told their loved one is lost. I knew it wouldn’t ever happen with me because I didn’t have anyone who’d be waiting for me. But I never thought it would be me giving the bad news.

I pressed the buzzer. Told her it was me. She buzzed me up and by the time I’d raced up the stairs, she was standing at the door of the apartment. When she saw my expression, her face went sheet-white. “Oh God,” she whispered. “No, no, no—”

“He’s alive,” I said quickly. “But they’ve got him.”

She just crumpled. And I couldn’t stop myself: I pulled her into my arms.

12. Erin

12

ERIN

He crushed me to him and, as big, hot sobs geysered up inside me, I wrapped my arms around his back and hung on for dear life. What if this is it? What if I never see him again? A huge void was forming in my mind, as big as JD and stretching on for the rest of my life. I had things I needed to do with him, things I needed to say to him….