“Let him live beyond the span of mortal years,

That man so similar to me in grace

And beauty, and no less skilled at singing.

He will give happy years to his weary people.

He will break the long silence of the laws.

As Lucifer scatters the stars in headlong flight,

As Hesperus rises when they return at night,

Or as, when blushing Dawn dissolves the shadows,

Ushering in the day, Sun in his splendor

Looks at the world, and speeds his chariot on

From the starting gate: such a Caesar now

Approaches. Such a Nero, now, all Rome

Will gaze upon. His radiant face blazes

With gentle brilliance; his lovely neck

Displays the beauty of his flowing hair.”

So said Apollo. But Lachesis, since she too had a weakness for such a good-looking man, indulged it lavishly and gave Nero many years from her store. As for Claudius, they told everyone

With celebration and auspicious words

To send him out the door.

And in fact he gushed out his life, and from that moment on he ceased to have even the appearance of being alive. (By the way, he died while he was listening to the comic actors, so you can see that it’s not without reason that I’m afraid of them.) His last words heard among mortals—after he had let out a louder sound from that part with which he found it easier to communicate—were as follows: “Good heavens. I think I’ve shat myself.” Well, I don’t know about that, but he certainly shat up everything else.

It would be superfluous to report the subsequent events on earth. You know them very well, and there’s no danger of losing sight of what public joy has impressed on people’s memories. Nobody forgets what makes him happy. Listen now to the business transacted in heaven. My informant will be held responsible for the accuracy of this report.

A messenger came to Jupiter saying that a man had arrived, fairly tall with very white hair. He seemed to be making some kind of threat, for he kept shaking his head back and forth. His right foot dragged behind. The messenger said that he had asked him what country he came from. The man stammered something unintelligible; his voice shook and his speech was garbled. The messenger couldn’t tell what language he was speaking. He wasn’t Greek or Roman or from any other familiar place.