It’s difficult for me to tell whether Father’s obvious discomfort at the topic of my real—that is, not fabricated by my parents and publicist for the papers—love life is based in homophobia or merely repression. He and Mum can’t even hold hands in public, according to the unwritten but tightly-adhered-to rules of royal decorum, passed down through our family like a crown placed on one head then another. Physical affection within the royal family is to be kept solidly in the confines of four walls.

Which is why it’s rather amusing to me that nobody seems especially fussed that the trending news story contains photos of me mid-kiss. Hypocrisy abounds. Or perhaps a reluctant kiss is somehow less affronting than one with actual passion behind it.

“Regardless,” William says, “in the coming years there will be speculation around why you haven’t dated anyone yet. If you confirm a relationship with Alfie now, it may go a long way to preempting possible less … savory directions that speculation might head.”

“But…” I say, “I don’t have feelings for him.”

The three of them look at me as though I’m stupid. I take offense to that.

“Rose,” Mum says. “Aren’t you … did you not tell us you’re gay, once?”

Ah, that’s right. So I am.

“Is that still the case?” Father asks, a little too hopeful for my liking.

“Yes, it’s still very much the case,” I say. “A lifelong state of things, I anticipate.”

“Yes, well,” he says, brushing lint from his pants. “So, then.”

So, then. I won’t ever have feelings for anybody I date publicly, so why should it matter either way?

It makes perfect sense. The rub is, of course, that when I agreed to this, I hadn’t accounted for how extraordinarily hateful it would feel to pretend to have feelings for somebody I can never love. It’s a level of cruelty I can’t imagine myself ever feeling comfortable inflicting upon someone, let alone someone like Alfie, who I truly do love … even if I don’t Love him.

“He’s my friend,” I say finally. “I can’t lie to him.”

“So, don’t lie,” Father says. At first, I believe he means for me to lie by omission—a point I’m willing to argue against. However, then I realize he means come out to Alfie.

I haven’t come out to a single person outside of the family. And the staff, of course, but they’re on a need-to-know basis. I don’t think I’m ready to tell anybody else yet. And I especially don’t think I’m ready for the first friend I tell to be someone who obviously has feelings for me, and may be rather upset. I don’t want anybody to get upset at the news of my sexuality. I fear it will put a damper on the whole thing.