“They have to be very careful who they give that stuff to. It can kill someone if they use it wrong. I told you I wasn’t going to drink anymore and I mean it. I don’t care what I have to do. Don’t worry about how much it costs. Daddy will pay for it if he has to. Don’t worry about anything, Malcolm. It’s all going to be all right.” I put the platter of chicken on the table. I handed him a plate with green peas and carrots on it. “The biscuits will be ready in a minute. I know you’re starving. Go on and eat. I can get the babies in their chairs.”

“What if the tests don’t work? Couldn’t you just stop, Rhoda? Don’t you have enough willpower just to quit?”

“I don’t want willpower. I want something that can’t fail.” I smiled at him, a great kind powerful Athena-like smile. “I want to keep my promises to you, that’s all I really want.

“I hope you mean that, Rhoda. God, I hope that’s so.”

As soon as Malcolm left for work the next morning, I put the babies in the car and drove home to Dunleith. I didn’t even leave a note. Mother knew something was wrong but she couldn’t figure it out and I wasn’t telling her. I unpacked the car and moved our things into my room. “What’s going on?” she kept asking. “Why did you decide to come home all of a sudden?”

“I’m tired. I’m worn out from everything that’s going on. They charged my maid with murder. They said she killed someone. I can’t talk about it now, Mother. I have to get some rest. I haven’t slept in days.” It was true. I was feeling terrible and I was so scared I hadn’t slept in days. As soon as the children were asleep I fell into a bed and slept until three in the morning. I woke up with moonlight coming in the window and went upstairs and found my father in the guest room and woke him up and told him to come downstairs.

“I’m pregnant, Daddy. I have to get an abortion. You have to help me. I’ll die if they keep cutting me open every year. I can’t do it again. I just can’t let them do it anymore.” I was sitting on the sofa in the den. He was sitting in the brocade armchair, wearing his pajama bottoms and a cotton T-shirt, his old outfielder’s body so strong and fine. I loved him so much. I was safe in his presence. He would not let me die. No matter what the world did, this man would save me. He would not let me die from anybody’s madness.

“Oh, Sister, give me a minute. Let me think.”