I’ll get out of here before long, I told myself. I’ll get well and I’ll feel good and I’ll be myself again. It’s okay. I’m glad I had him. He’s so beautiful and perfect and now I have a son and Daddy has a grandson and even Dudley can’t give him that. Yes, it’s all right even if I have to be fat a few more days. As long as I NEVER NEVER NEVER do it again. If I get pregnant again I’ll stick a Coke bottle up my body and kill it. I’ll read that book again. What was it? An American Tragedy. All the ways to do it are in there but I didn’t read it closely enough. If I read it again I’ll figure out what it is you do. I think there’s something you can drink. Something you make out of vinegar or something and you drink it and it makes you start. I’ll ask Fannin. I bet Fannin knows. Someone knows. Well, it doesn’t matter. I’ll just be so careful. I’ll always use the jelly and I’ll make him use a rubber and we’ll never take it off even if it doesn’t feel as good. He could make me come with his mouth if he wanted to. He could do it with his fingers. If he wasn’t so goddamn selfish all the time. He’s so mean. I can’t believe he went off with Dudley to play golf. I bet he’s out there with girls talking to them. Girls in bathing suits without any fat on their bodies. Well, I don’t care if he loves me or not. Who cares? He’s just a nobody. His daddy works in a hardware store. If it wasn’t for my father we would starve. Oh, God, now we have to go back to Atlanta and live in an apartment. Well, we’ll get a bigger one this time. I’ll tell Daddy to give us some more money. I want to go to sleep. I’ll just lie here beside my baby and I’ll sleep and tomorrow I can get up and ride my bike and start to get this goddamn fat off my waist.

Chapter

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