Nana took a look at the balding sleazebag and said, ‘Oh, hello Simon,’ as if she remembered him clearly. Who knows, she might have been happy to meet someone new. It’s not like she gets out much apart from her shopping trips and the occasional ladies day.

Nana said something about how nice it was to have us together at her kitchen table and immediately after Simon started laying it on thick about how great all the food was.

It did look and smell great, and Simon was saying things like, ‘I’ve never seen food that looks so good.’

Nana kept saying, ‘Thank you,’ and Mum was smiling all goofy.

Please don’t be falling for him, I thought to myself.

‘Delicious,’ Simon said after biting in to Nana’s pork belly.

Once Nana had got through some of her meal, she patted the corners of her mouth with a serviette, as she does, and turned to Simon. ‘So, what did you go on to do after school?’ Simon smiled a big shark-like grin. ‘I started off as an electrician, doing my apprenticeship with a small company up north. And then after about ten years, I started my own company.’

Nana smiled, all impressed, and Mum continued to look at Simon all goofy. I’d never seen Mum look at Dad like that and I’d never known Nana to be impressed by anything Dad had ever done. She once told me, ‘Your father’s always talking gobbledygook. God knows what he teaches those kids at the university.’

Simon finished his glass of water and then said, ‘These days I manage all of the electrical contracts on the submarine fleet.’

‘That’s a big job,’ Nana said, smiling.

‘It is, but I have plenty of men working for me,’ he answered, flashing that sharky grin again and then looking over to me to see if I was impressed. I gave him my best you’re a dickhead smile.

Mum knew exactly what I was doing, which is probably the only reason she said, ‘And how’s school going, Pheebs?’

I was tempted to tell her I’d smoked weed with Caroline at lunchtime yesterday to get at her. Instead, I said, ‘Yeah, it’s okay.’

‘That’s good,’ she said, before leaning in to Simon and patting him on the leg.

And then, to needle her, I said, ‘I’m really glad that Dad and Caitlin decided to send me to that school. It’s so much better than Wattleside High. And I really love The Village. It’s hard to leave, if you know what I mean.’

Mum’s face went blank. ‘You used to love your old school so much.’

‘Yeah, I did,’ I spat back, wanting her to feel guilty.

Simon said, ‘Your mum was amazing at school. She used to be the best basketballer going.’ It made me wonder even more what Mum was doing with Simon the short-arsed sleazebag loser.