Dedication

To Emily Stevenson

—D.G.

To Lisa, Cam, and Rosie

—J.P.

1. Toenails Don’t Have Brains

My name is A.J. and I hate germs.

Germs are ugly and gross and mean. Germs should be against the law. The police should arrest germs and throw them in jail—little germ jails. That would teach them a lesson.

When I walked into Mr. Cooper’s class the other day, all the girls were oohing and ahhing about something. I peeked to see what they were looking at. It turned out that Andrea Young—Little Miss I-Know-Everything—got a smartphone from her parents.

“Smartphones are cool!” said Emily, Andrea’s crybaby friend.

“My mom said I can use it to look things up,” Andrea told the girls.

“Why don’t you look up how to be less annoying?” I told Andrea.

“Oh, snap!” said my friend Ryan.

“Think of it,” Andrea told me. “I have all the information in the world right here in my hand, Arlo.”

Andrea calls me by my real name because she knows I don’t like it. She was a real smarty-pants even before she got a smartphone. Now she’s going to be an even smarter smarty-pants. Why can’t a truck full of smartphones fall on her head?*

I put my backpack into my cubby and went to my seat. Then I looked around. Something was missing. What was it?

Oh, yeah, I know. It was our teacher, Mr. Cooper!

“Where’s Mr. Cooper?” asked Michael, who never ties his shoes.

“Where’s Mr. Cooper?” asked Alexia, this girl who rides a skateboard all the time.

“Where’s Mr. Cooper?” asked Neil, who we call the nude kid even though he wears clothes.

In case you were wondering, everybody was asking where Mr. Cooper was.

That’s when our principal, Mr. Klutz, walked into the room. He has no hair at all. I mean none. He should get a hair transplant from a hairy guy who has plenty of hair to spare.

“Where’s Mr. Cooper?” we all asked.

“Mr. Cooper isn’t feeling well today,” Mr. Klutz told us.

“Gasp!” everybody gasped.

“I hope he’s going to be okay,” said Emily, who’s always worried about everybody being okay.

“Oh no!” I shouted, just to yank Emily’s chain. “Mr. Cooper is gonna die!”

Everybody started yelling and screaming and shrieking and hooting and hollering and freaking out.

“We’ve got to do something!” shouted Emily, and then she went running out of the room.

Sheesh, get a grip! That girl will fall for anything.

“Calm down!” said Mr. Klutz as he went to the whiteboard and picked up a marker. “Mr. Cooper told me he has . . .”

And then Mr. Klutz wrote this big, long word on the board. . . .

ONYCHOCRYPTOSIS

What?!

I couldn’t even pronounce that word.

“It sounds like a horrible disease!” said Alexia.

“I told you Mr. Cooper is going to die!” I shouted.