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Back Losers: Part I Save as PDF
Chapters (58)
  1. Table of Contents
  2. Content Note
  3. A Note From The Author
  4. 1
  5. 2
  6. 3
  7. 4
  8. 5
  9. 6
  10. 7
  11. 8
  12. 9
  13. 10
  14. 11
  15. 12
  16. 13
  17. 14
  18. 15
  19. 16
  20. 17
  21. 18
  22. 19
  23. 20
  24. 21
  25. 22
  26. 23
  27. 24
  28. 25
  29. 26
  30. 27
  31. 28
  32. 29
  33. 30
  34. 31
  35. 32
  36. 33
  37. 34
  38. 35
  39. 36
  40. 37
  41. 38
  42. 39
  43. 40
  44. 41
  45. 42
  46. 43
  47. 44
  48. 45
  49. 46
  50. 47
  51. 48
  52. 49
  53. 50
  54. 51
  55. 52
  56. Acknowledgements
  57. Also By Harley Laroux
  58. About The Author

I looked over my shoulder at him, narrowing my eyes. “Oh, you have no idea. That woman could argue with a brick wall and win.”

We both laughed — a moment passing in comfortable silence.

“You’re trying to get to New York,” Manson finally said. “You want to live in the city?”

“I think it would be exciting to live downtown,” I said. “I used to think that all I wanted was a cute little apartment in Manhattan. But…maybe not. Maybe living outside the city would be nice. Close enough to visit when I want, but still far enough away that there’s some peace and quiet.” I sighed. “I’m still undecided on so much. All I know is that I want to get the hell out of this town and go where no one knows my name.”

“You want to escape who you were,” he said.

“I’ve fucked up a lot of things. I drove people away. I was selfish.” I was glad my back was to him, because I didn’t think I could meet his eyes. “I was awful toward you. I treated you all like shit.”

“Why did you do it?” His voice was soft, gentle. My eyes began to sting, surprising me, and I hurriedly coughed to make the tears go away.

I’d asked myself that same question many times and I still didn’t feel like I had a good answer.

“I couldn’t stay away from you,” I finally said. “It seemed like you didn’t care what anybody thought, and that…it irritated me. It made me mad that I didn’t feel that way, that I cared too much. I couldn’t stand how I had everything I was supposed to want, except…”

“Except?” he coaxed me. I turned to face him, and his arms adjusted to accommodate me.

“Except I wasn’t happy,” I said. “Everyone kept telling me I was supposed to be, so I kept pretending that I was. I thought eventually it would click, that I would feel okay. But the harder I tried to pretend, the worse I felt. I hated who I was, but I didn’t know how to be anyone else. I thought a few years in college would turn it all around. I made so many friends, I drank way too much. I said yes to everyone because I thought maybe it would make me a better person, but it…it didn’t work.” I sighed, my shoulders feeling so heavy. “All those friends? They don’t call. They don’t care. Just like the friends I had here, they only want me if I’m Jess the Party Girl, or Jess the Stuck-Up Bitch. Even now…I don’t know who I’m supposed to be.”