“I think I should have hated that girl,” he said, but he didn’t sound hateful at all. “Because she was always with the same people who hurt me, and she stood for everything I didn’t. Perfection, popularity, beauty…she was part of the system that rejected me. She was what we all were supposed to aspire to be, or to have.” He turned his head, so his cheek rested on my shoulder and he was facing away from me. “But I didn’t hate her, Jess. Never. Not even once. I don’t think I could, even if I tried, even if I wanted to.”

There were parts of myself that only existed because people wanted them, parts of me designed entirely to please people who didn’t even care in the end. I’d thought it would be easier that way, but it didn’t feel easy at all. It felt like I’d ripped myself in two pieces and couldn’t make any of the edges match up again.

“You should probably hate her,” I said. “Because it sounds like she deserves it.”

“Nah, that’s not true.” He kissed my neck, making me smile despite myself. “I’m not good at hating people, Jess. Hate is too heavy, it’s too much. I’d rather find the good in people, when I can. I’d rather give some grace to others who are figuring it all out, because I’m trying to do the same thing.”

“Do you ever feel like you’re running out of time? I know we’re young, but sometimes I feel like life is rushing by me so much faster that I can’t keep up with it. Like I missed a lesson everyone else already figured out, or like I’m starting over…”

“I get it.” He lifted his head from my shoulder, smoothing my hair back from my face even though the breeze whipped it right back again. “Seeing you in Wickeston again was like seeing you come back from the dead. I thought you were done with this place.”

“I thought so too,” I said. “Things didn’t exactly go according to plan. I made the mistake of thinking I’d land a big career straight out of college, as if money, a house, and a job would all fall into my lap.” I rolled my eyes at myself, at my own naivety. “Now my mom gets to rub it in my face that college was a terrible choice after all.” I put on my best imitation of my mother’s disapproving drawl as I said, “I should have been looking for a husband all this time instead. How will she ever see any grandbabies if I’m too busy chasing a job?”

Manson shook his head. “I’ve never met your mom, but I have a feeling I know where you get your stubbornness from.”