7:30PM: talked about being hungry. i wanted pizza or something we couldn’t make with our few remaining food items. ex-boyfriend said things about the ‘perfectly good rice and beans’ leftovers, which i didn’t want, and knew he knew i wouldn’t. he said ‘but you wouldn’t want that now, would you.’ he said ‘and what is that, uh, you got that cole slaw in there? from last night?’ i said ‘i don’t want to eat it, it was like, sweet. vanilla-y. it was weird, i don’t want it.’ he seemed disapproving, performing disapproval, argumentative or something, drunk, i don’t know. especially competitive during jeopardy, pointed out my ‘wrong answers,’ like i was stupid, and acted like a sore loser when his answer was wrong.

7:40PM: i said ‘you’re being drunk, like, antagonistically, i don’t like it, i’m going in the other room.’ sitting in bedroom now.

7:51PM: ex-boyfriend stood in bedroom doorway, said ‘oh. frowning and minimizing the screen.’ i said ‘what?’ he said ‘you were frowning, then you minimized something.’ i turned the screen to show him a google search result window, and said ‘no, i touched this,’ then maximized the msword window and said, ‘why, do you want to read this?’ he said something with the effect of ‘hell no.’ he tilted his head and kind of did this dancing-inplace thing he does, like, a snaky dance, i call it ‘circles’ sometimes. he said ‘come on peggy. i just want to be nice.’ i was smiling, feeling pressured to smile. i said ‘i want to be nice too.’ he took his underwear off and rubbed his ass on the foot of the bed and used a funny voice to say ‘look at me, i’m a casper. casss-per.’ watching him doing this was, i felt, intended to suddenly make me feel better, but because it wasn’t working, and that i felt pressured to feel better, i felt worse, and stupid for feeling worse. i said ‘casper, i see.’ he stopped and said ‘[his name] thinks megan feels uncomfortable, needlessly.’ i smiled. i said ‘megan thinks sometimes [his name] does things to provoke her when he’s drunk and then she wants to be alone.’ he said ‘[his name] doesn’t mean to provoke her.’ i said ‘i know you don’t mean to. i think i just feel like. i wish i would’ve done more today, i don’t like hearing about all the other people you like more than me, i don’t like how you act when you’re drunk and i’m not, we’re not on the same. um. i don’t know. maybe i’ll be drunk later and it’ll be okay. i’m having a bad day, i’m just sensitive right now, it’s not going to be good if i’m around you right now.’ somewhere around ‘not going to be good,’ he gestured like ‘done. i’m done. unreasonable, this situation is unmanageable’ and left. unsure what was upsetting: that i agreed and felt the same about him, or. actually can’t think of anything else, that must be it.