arrived in providence. allie said ‘this is my street,’ and i missed the turn, distracted by thoughts about whether anyone remembered we talked about watching ‘blue velvet’ tonight. alec said something about pep boys. i said ‘fucking pep boys’ and fake-scoffed. turned on allie’s street and parked by her house. remembered ‘the butter lion.’ i said it was really nice meeting her and she said something nice back. alec said something long and funny about hanging out again soon, which she reciprocated, waving goodbye as she walked across the yard. waited for her to open the door. she had said something earlier about the lock being funny. alec said ‘yeah we should wait until she gets in.’ allie approached the passenger-side window and said ‘you guys know how to get home, right?’ alec said ‘yeah, yeah, thanks’ and i said ‘oh yeah, yeah, i think we can figure it out.’ she said ‘okay, see ya,’ smiled and waved, walked inside.

didn’t really know where i was driving but had a feeling it was close. alec asked what i wanted to do. i said ‘i think i want to go home actually.’ he seemed disappointed. i said ‘my cats, and also i know if i don’t…if i go back tomorrow it’ll be harder for me to get things done, but tonight i’ll have a night.’ something felt different.

alec tried to look up directions on his ipad. i said ‘i can just reverse the stuff i already have, it’s fine.’ he said ‘no, no, here, you should have directions’ and changed something on the screen. i said ‘no it’s okay, i’ll figure it out.’ felt that i was leaving quickly and that he wasn’t happy. i hugged him lightly and said ‘thank you for letting me stay, it was good to see you, i had fun, this was like, rejuvenating mental thing, for me, thank you,’ which i wanted to be more true as i said it, feeling some irreconcilable fault in me alternately fight for my attention and hide from it, wanting to be anything other than myself walking towards the door. he said ‘i’m glad that’s what you thought about it.’

11:28pm: ‘baba o’riley’ playing on radio. Stopped at Walgreens for energy and e-cigarette. This song gives me chills, the end. It ended. Feel full and sick. Distracted by wanting some drug that doesn’t exist yet.

11:43pm: ‘chantilly lace’ by the big bopper is playing. Happy Zachary memory song. He’d play it sometimes and we’d sing along. So funny. It never wasn’t funny. His face. ‘A ponytail. Hanging down.’ Sometimes imagined he was affectionately directing parts to me, like ‘ain’t nothin in the world like a big eyed girl.’ But my eyes aren’t really that big. And we both knew it. Especially towards the end. It sounded like the big bopper knew it too, towards the end.

AUGUST 14, 2013