get a sick little annoyingly symbolic thrill when i see less of myself in my reflection. i like seeing more of me that’s not there. the least i can do is make it go away a little. make a little less of it a little more every day: the least you can do. stood in front of mirror for ‘daily inventory session’ of what remains of me from yesterday, as if my mental report of this would be directly sent to some forensics lab, which experts would analyze then send back to me, so finally i could know ‘what happened to the body’ and get some sleep. case closed.

7:59PM: brushed hair. a lot fell out. typing/saying ‘seems interesting’ or ‘seems funny’ after anything makes you sound like ‘don’t worry, i’m in control.’ a lot of the time when i say it i think i mean ‘don’t worry, it feels worse when someone is worried.’ i don’t like it when people have answers to everything but i’m like that too. most of the white parts of my eyes are red. i’ve been wearing bathing suit all day. all night. no reason to not wear other clothes. a lot of how i’m feeling right now is probably due to not sleeping for 31 hours and adderall leaving body. this is a miserable existence. thinking about what drug to eat to prepare me for the shower. jesus christ. how will i respond to alec. i want to see alec. i want a beer or something. i would fall over, maybe. maybe the e-cigarettes are making me feel faint. should i not wash my hoodie as a souvenir of this smell? the smell is really something else.

8–11:59PM: abandoned.

AUGUST 11, 2013

12:46AM: responded to alec’s message after i’d resigned to ‘a depressed night of not responding.’

12:57AM: feeling better. tweeted with tao. debated ordering pizza. listening to the ‘hole in my heart that can only be filled by you’ song from duane reade yesterday. dollar store song. ate 1mg xanax for motivation to shower or do laundry and walked around, pausing arbitrarily but with ‘doom intervals.’ have been wearing bathing suit from freshman year of high school since last night. red light, rainbow lights, and soft yellow light are on. it feels nice. ate 5mg oxycodone. wonder how tao is watching ‘oblivion.’ on phone? he is in the UK without a computer. clicked on a ‘these horses have better hair than you’ link. they did.

[unsure]–4:[something]AM: read ‘frowns need friends too,’ feeling comforted and sometimes laughing. watched ‘the office.’ ate 1mg xanax, avocado with salt and lime, and what remained of a bag of ‘pirate’s booty’ cheese puffs it seemed like i had hidden in a cabinet. at 2AM i saw alec had responded to my message at 1:30AM saying we could hang out if i picked him up in bed stuy now. hadn’t showered yet and felt sleepy, said i was going to stay in.