5:53PM: tried to evenly distribute weight of four bags on arms. purse and red bull 12-pack threw off balance. worried about not having enough money to fund jordan’s trip. think he said it would be $400. still no texts from him, or danny landlord. damp air. dull hidden corners of bags kept bumping my legs, causing their handles to twirl and cut off circulation in small areas of my arm before unwinding and bumping another bag or me again. felt shitty, carrying the bags, anticipating washed comforter still smelling like cat pee, maybe more pee on the mattress, buying condoms, how and why i’ve depleted my savings account, how danny doesn’t know the checks i’m giving him today will bounce, how i’ll need ask dad for money, how no one has responded to my texts except the person i’d said ‘i’d rather you not respond’ to, how saying ‘i’d rather you not respond’ is pretty transparently self-protective and controlling and probably reads more like ‘i’d rather not sound like a pathetic fragile loser who not only would rather you respond, would rather your response be extreme enough to erase the last time i saw you and the thing that’s been happening in my stomach when i think about how it felt to push against the weight behind your skin or to watch your face change when you didn’t know i was looking or the smell of your pillows or the drive to your apartment or that baseball game we never went to.’

saw a small gathering of people inside apartment building. walked in. danny landlord and mark were talking. everyone was smiling. i said ‘hi, hi hi,’ smiling really big. danny said ‘i was waiting here for you!’ i swatted him and said ‘you didn’t text me’ in faux-scolding voice. everyone was just…smiling, laughing. snickered typing that. what was everyone so happy about. put grocery bags on the floor so i could get the rent check from my pocket. mark said ‘you sure are popular today, huh megan?’ mark has a way of…whatever he says kind of trails off at the end, or else he just doesn’t move his mouth much when he talks, ventriloquist-style. i like it. danny said ‘hey’ again, like ‘hey, here we are, finally!’ i gave him a ‘side hug’ with one of my arms and said ‘it’s nice to see you. i’m sorry to keep you waiting, were you here long?’ handed him the check. he said ‘no, not long, don worry’ and his face matched. i put the bags back on my arms. danny said ‘so hey, so how thinks working out?’ i said ‘oh good, great, the apartment’s great,’ looking at the bags. he said ‘you got job?’ continued bag focus and said ‘yup, yeah, i’m going back to school.’ danny made a noise with vague implications. i said ‘yup. yeah, it’ll be, yup. so, this spring. but i’m up for it!’ mark and the other person were still talking. mark had been holding the elevator for me the whole time. i looked at danny and gestured to the elevator and said ‘well, gotta go put this away, i’ll see you next time!’ he said ‘okay bye’ and waved. i said ‘bye mark, thanks.’ mark said ‘see ya megan.’ i said ‘bye’ to no one in particular as the elevator door closed. pressed ‘2.’ felt like i had just run a marathon.