9:41AM: laid in fetal position on mattress pad. placed beanbag eyemask on forehead. realized i’m ‘exhausted.’ last night i asked chelsea if she wanted to get lunch today. haven’t heard back yet. set alarms. covered eyes to block out light.

2:00PM: have been resetting alarms and hitting snooze. chelsea texted not long after i’d fallen asleep. ate 20mg adderall XR and experimented with sitting positions. phone rang twice. it was the numbers i don’t recognize from buffalo, NY and wayne, PA. the last night i was in maryland, the wayne, PA number left a garbled ‘mothman prophecies’-like voicemail. played it for mom. my room felt scary, because of its proximity to balcony window. remember pretending to ‘naturally’ shift posture of supine body as if already sleeping. it prompted mom to say, ‘are you sleeping in here tonight?’ i paused and said, ‘no, maybe for a few minutes. i’ll get up though, i have to leave at like, in the morning.’ woke in the afternoon in her bed.

4:14PM: heard a crash. walked around opening cabinet doors to scare fruit flies. texted chelsea that i’d fallen asleep. asked if she wanted to hang out after danny landlord picks up rent around 6PM. texted jordan to see if he still wants me to send him a moneygram, if he knows his e.t.a.

mentally replaying details of the last night i saw [omitted]. mom said something like ‘people can’t go from despairing to feeling okay, getting angry is a way to jumpstart yourself out of wallowing.’ he doesn’t know that i know he lied. i figured it out. there wasn’t time for him to shower between sex with the other girl and seeing me. he said they used a condom. i would’ve tasted or smelled the condom when i gave him the blowjob. succumbed to urge to text him something mean, followed by the shitty princess ‘i’d like it if you didn’t respond.’

i think shirley was the one who peed. four times on the mattress and comforter. hell ride.

5:16PM: loaded comforter and sheets in washing machine and walked upstairs. searched room for quarters. i need more quarters. wrote rent check for danny landlord, waved it to dry ink, folded in my back pocket.

walked to pickles & pies to get quarters, then buy groceries from waldbaum’s for jordan’s visit. thought ‘he hasn’t responded, the moneygram place closes at 9PM so i can’t send him gas money after that, 9PM is coming up, he would’ve said if he needed money by now. maybe.’

chelsea texted that she was taking her ex-boyfriend out for a birthday dinner tonight, and that i should bring jordan to his birthday party tomorrow. withdrew $60 from ATM outside pickles & pies. $28 left in checking account. paid for e-cigarette refills with cash and asked for two dollars in quarters. cashier didn’t seem to count change, handed me a lot of quarters. walked outside. it was raining lightly.