inside: seemed chaotic. recognized a lot of people right away. saw gian right away and handed him hot pink straw and blue compartment drug container thingy with heroin in it and watched him disappear in the crowd. this became my ‘thing.’ i would leave conversations to say ‘i want to find gian, he has my drugs.’ i don’t know if i told gian that. he was my ‘out.’ had funny inner dialogue about my frantic/illogical/insistent desire to leave conversations as soon as i’d start them, and gian’s passive involvement. i felt like i was talking about him like he was ‘tino’ from ‘my so-called life’—who i don’t think really existed, the audience never saw tino. i repeated ‘i need to go find gian, he has my drugs’ to people a lot.

lost track of mira and sam after gian drug-turnover. remember sam saying a person was ‘guarding’ the alcohol and seeing the person standing on an upper level, deciding we’d all go up there to steal it, then suddenly being presented with nicholas and hugging him and introducing him to mira and sam, saying ‘we worked at ukazoo together,’ aware of mira and sam maybe not knowing i worked at a bookstore called ‘ukazoo,’ then they disappeared. talked with nicholas about how long we’d been at powerhouse. he said ‘they just ran out of alcohol.’ he said something i’m not sure he’s comfortable with me writing about, but he seemed happy, and i was glad he was happy about it. he said something about an event next week or the week after, which i said i’d like to go to, and it was good seeing him the other night. he was walking away as this happened.

after nicholas left i started feeling what i’d feel for most of the night, until maybe 2 or 3AM—like i was in an episode of ‘rocko’s modern life’ where rocko is falling down a tunnel and faces of supporting characters keep popping up to say nightmarish catch phrases to him. the bermuda triangle episode. i didn’t feel like this in a negative way, or that the people that were ‘popping up in my tunnel’ were actually nightmarish…just…it was this feeling of out-of-control popping up. a feeling of looking around a lot. kind of like i was just tagged in ‘tag,’ like i was ‘it’ and it seemed like i would probably be outnumbered/swallowed and wouldn’t be able to find another person to tag to make ‘it.’