5:36AM: still no xanax effects. eating another 1mg. i’ve been eating 2-4mg and combining with alcohol recently, that’s why i don’t feel much.

5:57AM: considering eating another 1mg if i’m not sleepy by 6:15AM.

6:01AM: re-watching MDMAfilms movies. sweet/funny/nostalgic. seems like such a long time ago. there must be like 500 hours of footage of tao and me on external hard drives, floating around.

7:00AM: ate another 1mg. sam cooke tweeted ‘xanax is a palindrome’ recently. thought ‘eyes wide shut’ or something, re: that, something vague.

7:17AM: ate four hummus/avocado/salt/lime tortillas. i want curtains that block out all light. it feels so bad to see the sun do its sneaky thing on you. i would be safe in a black room with dim oscilating rainbow lights. memory foam carpet. loft bed as big as the room with security cameras that show what’s under the bed. memory foam carpet would be a drag, realistically. like for daily life. want carpet with wide textural sampling, like little squares of ‘memory foam’ and ‘trampoline’ and ‘quicksand.’ the squares could scatter randomly or dominate the whole floor sometimes, you could set the floor to ‘oscillate’ along with rainbow lights.

there was this thing at the adler planetarium, ‘the space walk.’ outer space simulation. i did it twice. i probably did it once, though. this is probably a case of ‘memory so nice it must’ve been ‘twice.” you walk in a line moving in the direction of where ‘the space walk’ ends. behind the first door is a hallway where it’s so dark your eyelids feel irrelevant, that leads to the the door ‘the space walk’ is behind. a room that doesn’t look like a room because there are no floors or ceilings or walls, just blackness ‘punctured’ by star-like lights. it was some kind of mirror trick. that could be my room.

11:14AM: i was visiting juliet and tao—roommates in the midst of a bromance that had taken them both by surprise, whose mutual fascination seemed to have been taking place over one long dazzling conversation that was hard, as an outsider, to get in on. they were curious and distantly welcoming of me, though more preoccupied with referencing their ‘lesbian relationship,’ ignoring my questions about if it was a joke, or if it wasn’t, how that worked. i was running out of ways to appear busy and stood by a sliding glass door. the mountains were volcanoes.

woke with UTI pain. no period yet. eating cherries and pounding water. sleepy.

2:04PM: woke almost peeing. no bed wetting today!!!!!!!! sleepy xanax overload. 4mg. too much. i am not allowed xanax today. UTI pain gone. i just need to remember to drink more water. imagined joaquin phoenix at the DMV spelling both his names and heart skipped a little.