MAY 4, 2013

12:31PM: colin knocked on my door. i had been recording an audio file of me reading old things i’ve written for a website that solicited me for an audio submission of some kind. worried colin could hear me talking, i don’t think he can. covered up ‘old things,’ spread all over the bed, took a few extra seconds to get to door. colin gave me a newspaper and we talked about an irish music festival and my cats and school a little and he left. i stood in front of the mirror. pupils look huge from adderall/concerta, wonder if they’re noticeably huge. studied them in the mirror.

heard another knock i thought i could be imagining. stood still in front of mirror. a few seconds later i heard colin’s voice say ‘megan?’ i went to the door. he asked if i wanted a lamp. i said ‘i don’t not want a lamp, if there’s a lamp. i mean, yeah i’ll take a lamp.’ he went to get it. looked at my stuffed animals on the bed and my…just…it doesn’t quite look like ‘adult’ decorations. thought ‘oh no, he…knows…he knows i’m a big baby.’

the lamp is cool. he didn’t remember where he got it. he said ‘the bottom lights up, like for a night-light’ a few times. he reminds me of someone in a samuel beckett play. he asked me if i knew about a restaurant and said ‘i gotta invite, i mean introduce you to some of the people on the floor, we’ll all go’ and looked down the hall. followed his eyes and thought ‘invite vs. introduce.’ i said i was doing a thing, helping my friend film a video tonight. he said ‘take it easy.’

here is what happened after waldbaum’s last night/this morning:

•  unpacked items from ikea and waldbaum’s, sort of broke shower curtain rod i think. the curtain i bought requires rings so i made rings out of wire. i have pliers and wire for some reason. the wire is of ‘paperclip-thickness.’

•  cleaned floor, scrubbed toilet, did dishes, cleaned cat box, looked for AA batteries for swiffer in ‘technology drawer,’ thought ‘look in ‘memories drawer’ for content for the ‘gabby gabby lucy shaw self yelp story’

•  responded to gabby gabby email with links to mdmafilms passwords and told her i was working on the story from now until it’s done

•  read through things i’ve written saved by my parents from 1991-1996, then journals from 1999-2009…felt….personal hell…it’s all the same shit, same shit as this

one journal is funny and from 2007 and seems to be exclusively thoughts/drawings i made while high, like every day almost. thoughts seem similar to things i’ve thought on mushrooms and DMT but less comprehensible/less funny/people would ‘understand’ less, i think

in that journal i had a lease for an apartment in chicago with a co-worker/friend but then we went…the friend…something happened, he wasn’t prepared for me knowing people there already, we fought about stupid stuff…i broke my end of the lease, think we’re still friends