10:48AM: i’m on the balcony. it’s very sunny and 58 degrees but i’m wearing hot pink winter coat anyway. mom’s downstairs neighbor (old man who i can sometimes hear singing operatically) stood on the sidewalk maybe 30’ from me and mumbled something, staring in the same direction i’m facing. he walked on the sidewalk until he was under me, then walked to the edge of the woods, staring upwards. heard him say ‘schtoopy’ but no other words. he seemed to be directly addressing a tree. nodded/acknowledged each other at different times as he walked in the direction he came.

12:00pm: removed necklaces to look ‘less likely to have cancer.’ brushed teeth and hair and washed face. Swapped hot pink coat for Mira’s black coat. A ‘no less unseasonable, but much less unsavory coat.’ Took pill box for ‘just in case it’s bad news.’ feel that bringing the pills is ‘dooming me.’ mom pulled into driveway as I walked to my car. She stopped and rolled down window and I said ‘I’m off to see Abrams, she wants me early.’ mom made scrunchy nosed face and said ‘oh no, it’ll be fine,’ then did Abrams voice (we both see her) to say ‘jasht remember to cuff.’ I said ‘jasht a teensy cuff, and then you vill feel a little peench.’ waved goodbye.

12:10pm: did risky ponytail-tying hands-free driving maneuver going 74mph. Imagined accident. Thought ‘no, that would be too predictably ‘like me’ to do, so it won’t happen, I’m safe.’

12:12pm: imagined quiet intense Freddie mercury voice singing ‘when the gyno sees it in your eyes-ah / that you’ve been up all night-ah’ right before the song ‘really starts rockin’

12:17pm: it’s going to be really stupid after the appointment when she tells me I have cancer and I will have been listening to this innocent inspiring m83 song on repeat this entire time. There’s no way to stop it now. Oh well. What if I’m pregnant again, it’s not even possible but who knows. It’s anyone’s game right now. Who knows. Oh well.

12:24pm: what if she gives me an orgasm. Anyone’s game.

12:31pm: in waiting room, there is a new section on the medical update form at the bottom that says ‘date of last colposcopy’ why is it a routine now

1:06pm: interesting dynamic. Laura took my blood pressure and I said it would be higher because I had been smoking. I like Laura and dr. Abrams, for the record. Feel like I disappoint them. Laura said ‘oh no, it is a little higher’ and didn’t scold me for smoking but I said ‘I gotta stop.’ I said ‘also I’m a little nervous.’ Laura smiled and said ‘oh why, you know it’s just us.’ I said ‘I know, I don’t know though, you never know.’ she said ‘I always get nervous before I sit up there too.’ wondered if dr. Abrams is her doctor. She said ‘okay meg, everything off, gown open in the front, I’ll leave you to get dressed’ and kind of winked at me. Thought ‘Laura…no…my friend.’