TO THIS DAY

remembered imagining jesus storage cave earlier and pictured it again and jesus pushed back a big boulder at the entrance and blushed and ‘twinkled’ his fingers at me

seems like…endless ideas…am i going to regret this…

video game called ‘what thing in my room is a nut sack’ or ‘where is the nut sack’ which is actually just like, halo 10

lovingly cradled formerly crotch-leaning sugar-free red bull, looking down at it like mary mother of jesus. but then suddenly it would shoot upwards fast and i’d still be holding onto it. then i would let go. it would try to bang its head on the ceiling to a make a hole so it could go live out its calling, which is to stop denzel’s plane from crashing, it received an email about its calling even before i bought it and it was in my crotch, it’s known this all along but has not wanted to spoil something about how things have been going with us by telling me it wouldn’t always be here, and as soon as i find this out i am more able to be happy that it’s gone

i am the only person i know who says ‘denzel’ and talks about ‘flight’ a lot, feel i do those things a lot

remembered broccoli ‘wall’ on bottom level of union square whole foods and pointing to it and saying ‘is it breathing’ to tao

can’t remember if numbers go like ‘11,200, 12,000,

jesus way too boring, ‘can’t do it’

heart is normal now

feeling less peaking am no longer peaking

forgot about feeling despair or obligation or overtired things earlier, didn’t expect that, thought i’d just tiredly go on

4:09AM: i felt all of that so intensely. now i’m back to normal, mostly. still shivering. going to get in bathtub.

6:36AM: have been stalling assembly of apartment-garnering portfolio.

7:09AM: printed free credit report for portfolio. my hand smells like wet cat food. my credit is ‘medium.’ having credit cards that aren’t attached to your bank account…i can’t believe that idea caught on…like, even i wouldn’t fall for that…of course places will go after you…listen: when someone or something lends you money, you revoke the right to pay it back whenever you want. you’ll owe the total amount you borrowed, if not more, until you pay it back on their terms. credit cards seem like mafia business. i feel like ‘old woman rickets’ or something, ranting to no one from my porch. maybe i should get a mafia credit card. i’m stalling cover letter-writing and showering.

7:16AM: shit 14 minutes.

7:21AM: you can tell your adderall is extended-release because it will have the ‘deluxe transparent addy ball visualizer’ bottom-half. i don’t really have to leave until 8:30. saying i had to leave by 7:30 is an example of a trick i do to avoid being late when i know i’ll want to be late for fun but the stakes are high and if i drag my feet there will be consequences. fake early deadline. classic stakes-raiser. high stakes mental clock readjustment. just another trick up the sleeve of old woman rickets.