feel afraid of religious things right now. imagining hell, actual hell. no. i just wrote that, i’m not going to imagine it. shit. starting to imagine. idea virus of imagining hell infecting my head. no, doing this is warding it off. just say things as you think them to ward off hell thoughts: blake butler article about video game liveblogging, megabus, sears bra rack, baja, bajajajaja, lido deck, man overboard, polecat, cactus pop-up book, helpful secretary, Nicholson baker, egregious capitalization, gian’s apartment, soft heads of [nothing], grandpa luna moth, lunesta, backyard, deck, summer 1992, it was all 1992 when you were a baby and a kid there were never other years then it was 1998, copper pots hanging rustically from a kitchen ceiling, roller rink, no, like, an arcade, arcade where i won tiny erasers, eraserhead, begotten, shit no not begotten the movie that movie is like hell, remembered why i was doing this, curious about why begotten seemed so scary, i’m not scared anymore, if had an intern i would pay them to tell me exactly what my crotch smelled like right now

god

can’t not do this

what my crotch smells like: i don’t know. honestly don’t know. pictured my detached head and flummoxed curious face spinning down an endless tunnel saying ‘honestly don’t know’ in every accent, mostly british accents.

seems like there is a country called ‘crotch’

pictured throwing my hands up in surrender and shaking my head, no wait

going out onstage for an open-mic at stand-up comedy thing, saying ‘seems like there is a country called crotch’ with almost no facial or vocal expression

goddamnit women aren’t funny no one would laugh

sorry women, sorry me

gotta try to make this one work for all of us. make it up to us. hoo. chalking up my hands. jumping in the corner. coach is putting in my mouth guard. hoo

let me try this again, disregard the first time: going out onstage for an open-mic at stand up comedy thing, saying ‘seems like there is a country called crotch’ with almost no facial or vocal expression, then being completely silent for like three minutes, staring intensely into the audience and urgently nodding head sometimes, then raising hands in surrender and matter-of-factly saying ‘can’t do it’

i can’t tell if i’m horrible

honestly enjoy the company of myself

this whole time i’ve been awake, yeah, hey. enjoying myself. well. not the whole time, we’ve. there were ups and downs. had some ins and outs but you know. strong ins and strong outs. the main thing is keeping a strong defense, delivering for the team

wish i was talking like an athlete after a big game right now, seems so sweet to be able to talk like that

stand-up comedian who gives earnest mumbled post-game commentary and never looks at the audience and it’s never clear what sport he plays

wonder how many blowjobs the guy who thought of using ‘fly like an eagle’ for the usps ad campaign in 1998 has gotten from then until now