8:01PM: animal-like digging and something like gregorian chanting noises are coming from upstairs (in that order, both gone now).

REAL TALK BREAK:

•  laughing re me re REAL TALK BREAK rRERER RRERERER

•  ‘gregorian chant’ word count for total document: 2

•  i don’t think i’ve lied about anything in this that i haven’t later corrected. if you know i am lying get at me. there are probably like, 12% various things i choose not to include every day, which would involve names. excluding shit like this is helpful, i don’t like the amount i think about people and what people are thinking.

•  why do i shiver so much. seems like i’m always shivering.

•  hands look a little more ‘holocaust’ than ‘gollum’ from little cuts from moving. extra transparent bone hands. love my stupid tiny hands.

•  when can REAL TALK BREAK be over, just, it’s always the real talk break. that’s why i laughed. also right after i typed REAL TALK BREAK it looked like a poster for dairy or something, from my elementary school cafeteria maybe.

8:18PM: i forget why i haven’t been updating this to blogger, lol. that’s right, have said ‘gregorian chant’ twice but this is the first ‘lol.’ damn, nevermind, there are a lot. really felt this one though. people reading this are going to react differently to what it was before, maybe. seems really dark and obsessive and desperate now. i don’t feel obsessed with myself when i do this, i feel the opposite, like i’m thinking about how to say…hm. i’m imagining there is a person there and it’s someone who i like but maybe i don’t know them. it’s definitely not me. sometimes it’s people i’ve interacted with but most of the time it’s just this idea of a person. or maybe not even a person. maybe just this. i don’t know. maybe this is enough.

8:33PM: i want to watch an eight-hour holocaust movie.

9:20PM: this is day two of barely talking. also this is day two of crushed ice. things to consider. important. life. life: consider it done.

APRIL 6, 2013

9:21PM[yesterday]–12:53AM: have been fixing picture things in blogger and hitting the ‘return’ key a lot again. feels horrible, today. i think two days this week i’ve been awake for 36 or so hours, doing very similar things.

got to the update about brad and thought ‘what’s going to happen to brad,’ started crying as i looked at pictures of him

then peed

all night the end theme song of ‘one flew over the cuckoo’s nest’ has been looping with end theme to ‘glory’ and fucking me up. also the shirley song from earlier. have been reading through march 17 - now. seems so different now. i stopped taking pictures. maybe i didn’t want to elaborate on moving out and atlantic city because i don’t want to remember because it feels bad to remember some things. it’s like a pulling sensation, like the rubber bands around your heart and stomach and face get so tight. your blood feels different. that’s exactly what it’s like. i keep crying, reading the earlier parts of this. looking at all the pictures on my phone. it wasn’t that long ago. i’m sorry for…i don’t know.