i know i’m the ideal candidate for something. i have always felt like ‘you are the ideal candidate for something, you’re going to find out what it is someday.’ it’s probably like, ‘the ideal candidate for research about baking soda that will be cancelled before it starts.’ or ‘the ideal candidate for going to jail for missing jury duty due to receiving the jury duty notice months later.’ i’m halfway to one of those things already happening. maybe there’s still hope for me yet.

1:07PM: dark feeling very very dark dark dark maybe time to stop writing it’s making dark more apparent…how could you have written this much today dark dark dark dark…done this…that’s all…you…dark…jesus look at you, you’re not doing anything about it…you…need to do something…make another to-do list…shit that would make it worse…all those lists…there is something else you need…the thing you need is out there…it’s looking for you and it wants to help…the thing you need

4:23PM: that seemed like a good place to stop forever. missed opportunity to make that the ‘stopping forever’ point. could still do it but then i’d have to delete this, which feels dishonest now. sitting outside on a black wicker table, smoking cigarette i wanted at 6AM. it is sunny and warm and i’m wearing a jacket. what would i be doing if i wasn’t doing this. seems like i might be dead. not dead now, dead if. you know. have been sitting in bed reading most of what i’ve written since atlantic city. seems hellish, repetitive. hellish document. what is there to do.

4:35PM: walked inside and locked sliding glass door, thinking “walked inside and locked sliding glass door’ would be a good point to stop forever.’

7:50PM: now treating my ass with not looking at liveblog. nursing a sparkling water. why am i treating myself for…? today was the day with like. big time. big time nothing today. i am still unshowered. fingers feel strong, hands are like gollum hands again. i feel resentful nostalgia for march 17. everything that’s happened. not happy there is a record of it right now but i’m not being realistic. i’m just resentful of ‘better times.’ what’s with this thinking there’s always a ‘better time?’

think it’s because of that staggered reinforcement thing. giving a rat a treat at staggered intervals makes them most interested and obsessed with the treat. you never know when you’re going to stumble on a ‘better time.’ sometimes you don’t even know. you’re probably in one right now, soak it up. i am too maybe. no really seems like i’m in hell…i’m like…needing to punish myself or something, i don’t know.

other thoughts re ‘better times:’ over time the people who could have ideas/feelings about their futures survived over people who didn’t, also people who could think about potentially moving their houses/potential predators survived more than others, so now there is something kind of encoded in our brains, via years of evolving, that makes us think ‘no don’t settle for that, if you settle you get comfortable, keep looking.’