you could probably argue that i’m doing the same thing right now, with writing this whole thing. it certainly is a whole lot of myself i’m rubbing into something. i don’t know. i seemed really different around 17-19, also. i’m like…defending myself…against myself…because i’m afraid i secretly do things for the same reasons i imagine ‘i’m so sad’ people doing…and i don’t like that…? ‘too close to home…?’ oh fiddlesticks. i can’t even tell if that’s accurate. i don’t even know if know enough about why i do things that i could admit to doing the thing i don’t like. i just know how to identify/describe the thing i don’t like. i don’t know that about me. my instinct is to say ‘no, i don’t do this thing i don’t like,’ or ‘i have done but now rarely do this thing i don’t like.’

i already solved the problem when i said i don’t think i’m the only person capable of experiencing sadness/depression, i don’t think there’s a ‘correct’ way to do it, and i can never know how another person really feels. so. rationally i’m set. it’s still annoying to imagine someone saying ‘i’m so sad’ or ‘everyone hates me’ but without…like…so let’s just say they feel okay and people like them. then like, what are you trying to do?

heard somewhere that it’s easier to make people cry than make people laugh. i agree with that. laughing requires surprise. crying requires less surprise. like. hm. jesus, i actually don’t know about this. because if i make myself think the same phrase over and over i’ll probably start laughing. but the source of the laughing would be that like…i’m surprised at the absurdity of hearing something repeated and how easily i can make myself do it. but in ‘good will hunting’ robin williams kept making him repeat ‘it’s not your fault’ and he cried. or did something like crying. i don’t know let’s just everyone be chill, i’m sorry for not being chill.

2:29PM: matthew donahoo emailed me an interesting question. here is what he said:

‘Felt really interested in what you said about decrease in correspondence w friends and increased correspondence w strangers via liveblog

why do you think that is happening?’

2:45PM: looked at 20-30 facebook pictures of someone i sort of dated in 2008 to see if he was still attractive. he was. not as attracted to him as i remember, but still good. not 30+ pictures good, ho ho ho. oh yuck at me.

3:58PM: emailed matthew donahoo my response. looked for video of myself crying, for rion’s video thing. couldn’t find. guess i’ll make a new one.

4:05PM: i’ve been sitting in this chair for longer than some of you have been planting corn. some of you just started planting corn a few minutes ago. i’m an old pro. i’m a bass pro outdoor fishing outlet store. there is a mall in maryland where you get off an exit called ‘coca cola drive’ and enter the mall on something called ‘bass pro drive.’