zachary had put a sheet on the couch like it was a bed. he was under our three ‘watching TV in the living room’ blankets. the only other thing in the room, that i remember, was the lamp that used to be on a nightstand by his side of the bed but was now beside him, on the floor. i think some of my bags were also in the room but i can’t remember where or what they were. oh, and a water bottle. zachary motioned for me to lay by him and i did, with my head below his chin. felt conscious of the size of his body and mine, the warmness and the comfortable distances between what we were touching and our bones. he had sweat through his t-shirt. i could hear the nuances of our breathing in a way that made me unexplainably uncomfortable. shifted my head and he made a sound like he wanted me to leave my head where it was. a few moments later he picked up a water bottle.

i tried to ask things about his day in a normal tone but i could hear my thoughts in my voice and think he could too. he responded minimally. i said ‘i’m sorry i was stupid today. i should’ve been here, i could’ve been here with you on the last day, helping you. i was stupid.’ he said ‘yup.’ i said ‘i want to make it up to you somehow. you did all the rest of my packing.’ he said ‘well, i had to do something.’ i said ‘i want to make it up to you.’ he said something about brushing teeth and going to sleep and i agreed and followed him to the bathroom. he said ‘i’m still asleep’ in the bathroom. brushed my teeth, then put toothpaste on his toothbrush and handed it to him. he left first, said ‘can you turn off the lights on your way back’ from the living room. i didn’t want to be asleep yet. thought about the beer in the fridge. hesitated mid-room in the direction of the kitchen, rapidly switched where i was walking a few times, then ‘succumbed’ and got a beer. somehow turned off lights in reverse-order, so i was walking to the living room mostly in the dark. bumped into things and made struggling/laughing sounds. zachary said ‘make sure you turn them off in the right order’ as i reached for living room light. i said ‘okay i will.’

sat on couch where zachary’s lap would be if he was sitting. started drinking the beer. knew the beer was to put off sleep, to talk more with zachary, something seemed unfinished. i wanted him to say something. don’t know what. asked if he remembered getting lost on marlborough street and he said he did. stopped myself from continuing to ask ‘do you remember [things about our first night at this apartment].’ we said all we had to say and i finished my beer and turned off the light and we fell asleep at different times holding each other.