11:14PM: walked outside to the front of apartment building with computer and cigarettes and keys. since locking my keys inside last night i’ve very key-conscious when i leave, like, i check for keys three-to-five times instead of zero-to-two. a buick-looking car with red and blue flashing cop lights was parked outside. it idled for the duration of my cigarette, then a few moments after i finished. i thought ‘i want to go inside’ as it simultaneously turned off. thought ‘no, that means. they’re going to get you if you go inside, they heard you think ‘i want to go inside.” went inside anyway.

11:21PM: called zachary back. he was understandably upset, that i didn’t call at all tonight to say i’d be late. it was always him calling. he asked what i was going to do. i said ‘i don’t know, there’s no TV there. or internet.’ he said ‘yeah.’ i said ‘or books.’ he said ‘what?’ i said ‘or books. just us.’ could tell i was being annoying and indecisive. apologized for not calling. he said it was okay. asked what i should do. he said ‘you’re not going to want to come tomorrow either so you might as well just come tonight.’ i said ‘you’re right,’ unsure if he was right. i said ‘are you upset? i don’t want to come if you’re upset with me.’ he said ‘i’m always happy to see you.’ he has said this when i’ve doubted if he’s wanted me around. rarely feels reassuring.

11:51PM: alvie has been meowing a lot, but also not eating and acting like he doesn’t know me when i pet him. walked to bedroom and he trotted behind me, then kneaded my arm hard, seemingly angrily. feeling drained from typing. will be busy and internetless in philadelphia tomorrow and want to milk the internet at dad’s. milking the internet to update thing i’m currently tired of updating. good one, me. big dick boyle over here. alvie left bed abruptly to drink out of the toilet. now he looks asleep on a bathmat.

MARCH 31, 2013

12:01AM: saw something on kitchen table and thought ‘dad seems to be doing a lot of seminars.’ charging computer now. alvie followed me to kitchen. constant meowing. want to be able to satisfy him.

12:08AM: realistically imagined tomorrow being ‘the end of it all’ and felt a sinking thing.

12:11AM: peeing and leaving. no updates until tomorrow evening, probably. no plans to stop updating this.

12:23am: Zachary left voicemail saying if I hadn’t left already to bring toothpaste, but if I had left, not to worry about bringing. I was in car but hadn’t started it. Debated not going in for more toothpaste so it would seem like I had already left. This was really a tough one. I’d have to drive extra fast to increase realism of ‘I had already left when you called.’ remember some movie…jesus, seems like it’s a movie I’ve seen a lot but I don’t remember anything about it…someone is like ‘why hasn’t anyone ever told me about this?’ and a cop-like person says ‘two words: plausible deniability.’ went back for toothpaste, making myself sound more reliable than I am didn’t seem worth it to deny both of us toothpaste. Still lied a little on phone though. I said I had already left but ‘just barely,’ which is sort of true, I was in the car when I got the voicemail.