“Yeah, he’s part of it. It’s stuff from the past. Things that happened that I regret. Things I can’t really change but they come back to me all the same. So when you see me and I’m not smiling, it might be that I’m thinking of things that hurt me inside or things I did that hurt other people.”

“Are you glad you married Shawn?”

“He is the best thing in our lives, sweetie. A little too competitive when it comes to grilling and playing cornhole, but he’s been a gift to both of us.”

Courtney reached up and twirled Melissa’s hair like she had done when she was little. “I like it when you laugh.”

“Well, I’ll try to laugh a little more.”

“When can we talk about a horse?”

Melissa stood and turned out the light. “Go to sleep, Corty.”

She walked toward her bedroom but stopped in the hallway. Birthday parties always reminded her of all she had missed in her son’s life. What was he doing tonight? What kind of friends had he made? Did he have a girlfriend? How was he doing in school? Did he have dreams of college?

She could have told Courtney right then about her brother but she’d held back. How was she going to tell her?

She crawled into bed and patted Shawn’s arm. He was reading a book but his eyes were already drooping. He yawned and gave her a hug.

“Surprised?” he said.

“Very. You shouldn’t have gone to all that trouble.”

“Celebrating you is no trouble. And finding people who agree with me was easy. I hope you had fun. You like your new four-wheeler?”

“You shouldn’t have spent all that money.”

“It was a selfish gift. I want to race you on the trails.”

“Big mistake,” she said.

“Why’s that?”

“Because you’re going to lose.”

That December was unseasonably warm. Melissa decorated the house for Christmas but her heart wasn’t in it. She bought Courtney a horse ornament as a stocking stuffer that she would open on Christmas Eve.

A few days before Christmas Shawn suggested they go for a ride on the trails near their house and Melissa got on her blue four-wheeler, taking the lead. The feeling of the wind in her hair and the racing motor and the twisting trail seemed to drown all the feelings inside. Shawn managed to stay close but on the way home, as they neared the barn where they had started, she veered left and took a shortcut. He kept going straight and she reached the finish and turned off her engine and waited.

When he pulled up beside her, he said, “I can’t keep up with you today, babe.”

Melissa stared at the tree line, wondering if she should share what was going on inside.