But she couldn’t “move on,” whatever that meant. She couldn’t close the door on the past, especially something as life-changing as having a baby. She didn’t think she could ever “move on” from that event.

She tore the page from the spiral-bound notebook and folded it. As she was addressing the plain white envelope, she compared Susan’s note with hers. Susan’s was on nice stationery with a border design. Her note had three holes along the side and perforations where she had torn it. It was another indicator of how different their lives were. She pursed her lips as she licked the back of the envelope.

They can give you so much more than we could. But I still love you, little guy. I don’t know why that wasn’t enough to make me keep you.

She pulled the page out of the envelope and cut along the red line on the left side to make it look neater. It was the best she could do. She stuffed the page back into the envelope and put it in the mail.

CHAPTER 12

Jimmy was thrilled for Susan and watched in amazement as she blossomed as a mother. There was such tenderness in the way she treated David. She insisted that she be the one for late-night feedings, but Jimmy sometimes beat her to the crib instead of turning over and going back to sleep.

There were few arguments about child raising. Jimmy let Susan take the lead and make decisions, but she always consulted him. His usual reply to any idea was simply “I’m good with that.”

As he watched David grow into his personality in the first few years, Jimmy’s prayer was that David would always maintain his patented wide smile. He wanted his son to feel secure, provided for, loved and treasured, and to believe that he could accomplish whatever he set his mind to. More than anything, Jimmy wanted David to see him not simply as the man who had stood in place as his father, but as his real father. He wasn’t sure how to accomplish that or if it could be accomplished once David was old enough to know the truth. But Jimmy hoped that would come to his son and that the bond they formed would be lasting.

Their first camping trip once David could walk was a disaster. Jimmy and Susan had camped dozens of times, but they’d never done so with a toddler. Though they used repellant, the mosquito bites made red splotches that swelled on David’s arms and legs. Instead of fishing from their canoe, they spent the ride trying to corral him and not capsize. And since they didn’t bring a crib, David used his freedom to bound over their sleeping bags most of the night.