When she got to the room, she picked up the phone to call Brian, but the answering machine at work picked up. She didn’t want to leave a message. A few minutes later she tried again and finally asked Brian to call her back. As she hung up, the door opened with a soft knock. Her counselor from the adoption agency, Jennifer, stuck her head inside. Her smile eased some of the stress in the room. She had long brown hair that curled and dark-brown skin. She hugged Melissa and couldn’t stop smiling.

“Congratulations,” Jennifer said. “You did it!”

Melissa nodded, unable to smile back. She stared at the manila folder under the woman’s arm.

Jennifer noticed Melissa’s gaze and took off her coat and put it on the back of a chair. Then she pulled the chair to the bed and sat. She placed the folder on the floor. “How are you feeling?”

“Physically or mentally?”

“Both.”

Melissa put her hands on her stomach. “I’ve never lost that much weight so fast. And I’ve never felt that kind of pain.”

“Was Brian with you?”

“No, he was at work. I called a cab.”

Jennifer gave her a look. “Why didn’t you call me?”

“I kind of panicked.”

“It’s okay. Does Brian know you’ve had the baby?”

“I called and left a message.”

“You’ll get through,” Jennifer said. “You look good. You’ve got that glow.”

Melissa stared at her hands. “I don’t feel like I’m glowing.”

“What do you feel?”

“I don’t know if I can do it. Something happened inside when they put him in my arms. One look at his face and . . .”

“I understand.”

“I don’t want to hurt anybody or let people down.”

“Melissa, you’re going to make a good decision here. When you walked out of that abortion clinic, you put the baby’s interests above your own.”

“You’ll hate me if I don’t sign. And so will the adoptive parents.”

Jennifer leaned close. “Nobody will hate you, okay? What you’re feeling right now is the mom inside of you coming out. You want to love this baby and protect him. You gave him life.”

Melissa brushed at a tear streaking her cheek.

“Let me ask you something. You chose Susan and Jimmy from all those letters and pictures. Why?”

“I don’t know. They seem like really nice people. And the way she answered my question about baiting a hook, I knew she should be the one to . . .”

“Go on. The one to what?”

Melissa pulled her arms tight around herself. “I hate this feeling.”

“What feeling?”

“That I can’t give him what he needs, but I can’t let him go, either.”

Jennifer lowered her head and clasped her hands. It almost seemed to Melissa that she was praying.

CHAPTER 10