I hurried out the door, hoping to beat the valet rush. But I was too late. An anxious knot of guests were already standing around waiting for their cars.

I nabbed a valet and said, “Just give me my keys. I can get my car myself. White Corolla.”

I slipped him two bucks, and he tossed me my keys.

“It’s that way,” he said, pointing vaguely down the street.

I found my car five blocks away, among a string of economy cars, obviously in the “hired hands” parking section.

Driving home that night, I made up my mind to quit my job. I didn’t care how much SueEllen was paying me. She was a dreadful woman and my tush and I simply didn’t want to work for her anymore. I’d hand in my resignation tomorrow.

When I got back to the apartment, I broke the news to Prozac.

“It looks like we’re not going to be rich, after all, lovebug.”

Prozac was so upset, she almost looked up from her genitals.

YOU’VE GOT MAIL!

To: Jausten

From: DaddyO

Subject: Brace Yourself!

Brace yourself for a shock, pumpkin. My toupee is missing. And I know who took it. Your mother. She claims she has no idea where it is, but I wasn’t born yesterday. It didn’t just get up and walk out of the house, did it?

I’ve looked high and low, but it’s not here. I guess your mother couldn’t stand the fact that other women found me so attractive in it.

I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to forgive her for this act of treachery.

Daddy

To: Jausten

From: Shoptillyoudrop

Subject: Heavenly Day!

Oh, heavenly day! I got rid of the wig! It was so simple, really. I just waited till Daddy was asleep and I brought it out to the garbage. I buried it beneath Taffy’s cat food cans. He’ll never think to look for it there.

Now I can enjoy myself at cousin Cindy’s wedding! If only I could remember who Charleton McAfee is. Maybe Earlene’s first husband? But I could’ve sworn his name was Lester. Besides, I thought Lester had run out on poor Earlene years ago. The way I heard it, he went to buy a box of Milk Duds at the movies, and was never seen again. Oh, well. I guess I’ll just have to wait till the wedding to find out who Mr. McAfee is.

By the way, honey, I bought the most adorable polyester charmeuse pants suit from the shopping channel. It’s a genuine Georgie O. Armani. Who says the shopping channel doesn’t have famous designers?

Well, we’re off to play Bingo at the clubhouse.

All my love to you and Prilosec,

Mom

To: Jausten

From: DaddyO

Subject: Not my fault!

I just want to go on record: What happened at the clubhouse was NOT my fault!

To: Jausten

From: Shoptillyoudrop

Subject: You won’t believe what just happened!

Oh, dear. You won’t believe what just happened at the clubhouse. Daddy saw a man at the bingo table with a thick head of hair. And for some insane reason, Daddy was convinced it was his toupee.